Just need some advice, this is killing me

Hi there,

So I really don’t have anywhere else to explain this dilemma, but I figured there is such a wealth of knowledge here, this would be the best place. First of all, I’m a 22 year old in good shape, never really had any health problems. I don’t really drink at all, but I do use marijuana around 3x per week (trying to cut down). Ok, basically I met this girl around 4 months ago, dated her for a while, but then she broke it up, saying we were “different people”, blah blah. Fast forward to now, I start talking to her again and before I know it, she confesses to wanting sex but no other strings attached. My friends tell me this is the holy grail of hookups, but I’m not really wired that way. I tend to get attached and I really liked this girl. But I’m smart enough to not give up some good times, so we’ve been sleeping together for a few times recently. My real question lies here; I am experience massive problems holding, or even gaining an erection. I mean I’ve never gotten 100% hard with her and it’s killing me! Before we started hooking up I was watching massive amounts of porn, so I cut that out completely for about a week now. Now I understand part of that was initial “nervousness” but its continued and its eating me alive. Could it be porn, weed, mental, or a combination? Have any of you had an experience like this? Basically I try and diffuse the situation by going down on her or something but I have yet to even blow my load. And she DOES turn me on like crazy so this is pretty much the most frustrating experience I’ve had in my life. Thanks for reading and I appreciate any responses.

Certaindeath4

If you’re scared and nervous, it will cause that. Just forget about it, have fun and it will solve itself.

By the way, this won’t end good. If you get attached and fall for her, and she wants “no strings”…its gonna fuck your head big time when you see her with other guys.

Its always best to match intentions with the person you are fucking, otherwise someone always gets hurt. In my opinion, its not worth the heart ache you are headed for.

That could be what you dick is trying to tell you.

Nothing wrong with feeling that way either.

Thanks for the replies guys,

I was nervous really the first time, but now it really isn’t too much of a factor that I can tell. I am feeling you on the attachment. Thing is, I haven’t gotten laid in 18 mos. and if I were to break this off, I’d probably be in worse shape down the line for not taking advantage of the situation. I know there really isn’t much else you can say, it’s really just my individual decision, but it is nice to kinda release this steam that I can’t really tell to anyone else. I also kinda worry about my penis size, but she doesn’t really seem to even care. She’s such a animal and that makes it SO hard to let go.

cd4

It is an awkward relationship either it will get worse or fix itself.

Your head, your heart, and your dick are all connected.

Your head is confused by what your friends are telling you, what this chick is telling you, and what you yourself think. Your heart is a little broken, because you have feelings for this girl and are hurt that she only wants you for sex and isn’t interested in all of you, the real you, the whole person. And your dick is like, “Yo, guys, what’s up? Are we in or are we out?”

Under the circumstances it makes perfect sense that you’re having some performance issues. It just means you’re a sensitive guy, which in my opinion is a good thing.

I think you need to cut yourself a some slack. Give yourself permission to feel what you’re feeling.

Depending the level of communication you have with this girl, you might consider talking it out with her, being up front about what you’re feeling. Maybe tell her that your feelings for her are too strong to just be a “fuck buddy.” But that’s only if you guys have an underlying friendship that transcends whatever sexual situation you’re in with her. She might be willing to roll with that.

If you guys are really tight, maybe suggest being “cuddle buddies.” That way you can have intimacy without the pressure of performing. It might naturally build from there. (If that idea sounds too lame or out of character for both of you, then strike it. I’m just throwing it out there.)

But if you’re not really that good of friends with her, I’d probably just blow her off.

It’s not like she’s the last woman on earth: you will get laid again.

This thing as it stands is not too good for your self-esteem.

The main thing I’d like you take away from this is: Don’t beat yourself up over it. What you’re feeling is perfectly natural and you’re dick is just responding to your emotional state.

EDIT: On second thought, just forget that whole cuddle buddy idea completely. The way things stand, you’d just continue to eat your heart out.

Best of luck to you, man. I hope it all works out.

I would stop smoking, but try drinking one or two glasses of wine before sex.

It relaxes, and personally wine turns me on like 5 times a night.
But not too much, or will have the wrong the effect of not getting it up at all.

Yeah getting rid of porn helped me personally, how good are your erections when you aren’t looking at porn? Mine weren’t so great.

Ya they were pretty poor when I was in the shower or whatever. However, I haven’t looked at porn in about a week (longest time in prolly 10 years for me) and I had rock solid morning wood, which made me feel extremely excited. Thing is, I feel absolutely no attraction to porn or masturbation at this point, which is great. I still feel desensitized though, both emotionally and actually physically ( takes me a while to get going).

Just to add; with porn, I had to consistently see more and more to get hard. At first I was ecstatic with some boobies, then it went to sex, anal, double penetration etc. etc. Not sure if this kinda progression is normal for someone watching lots of porn, but I think its a huge factor in this whole problem.

Yeah when I first tried to jerk off with out porn I even gave up a couples times because I got sick of going hard-soft-hard-soft. I share a dorm with my roomate who hardly ever leaves the room, so that probably helped. Within 2-3 weeks there was definite improvement. Also I know I go through withdrawals myself and I’ll crack, but I still think its best to go soft core porn because it still leaves some up to the imagination. Good luck though man.

Ya I know it’s pretty much impossible to completely stop anything that has become so ingrained into your life for so long. I know moderation is key, and I’m sure I’ll watch some porn at some point. I will however, take your advice and stick to softer stuff.

A agree with Chiva, the man speaks some truth.

Brutha, I’ve been going through the same thing you have. Went out with a girl for a month, felt too pressured, wasn’t sure if her feelings for me were the same as mine for her (I want a gf, she might have wanted just sex) and I couldn’t do it. We broke up, nothing messy, just a mutual thing… I later learned that she was still in love with a guy who broke her heart.

Cue present day, three months later. I still want her, but I want all of her and her to have all of me. Sounds gay but I think guys think like this although they don’t admit it. I’m about to call her and just talk. Tell her how I feel, without sounding like a women, but tell her how I feel in man terms…with some vulneratibility.

It’s hard to let go of someone, but talk to her, see how she feels, and you may just find comfort in whatever comes out of that situation.

And you know what, if you just sleep over her house and do nothing but lie next to her…nature WILL take it’s course.

Good luck!

p.s. And good move with the porn. A wise Sensai on this board told me about porn and it’s negatives, and my sex drive went up directly after I stopped watching it.

Thanks for the reply Kevin,

I have this constant battle that pits “Getting laid” vs. “Getting serious” and I know, deep inside that I am a relationship kinda guy. Thing is, I tend to go long, long streaks without anything and I’ve only been with 3 girls so I feel I have to catch up in terms of numbers and experience. Sometimes I feel I will just slowly get rid of that longing for companionship the more I have casual sex. I don’t know man, girls mess with your head too much.

Maybe the fact that she said she was only looking for a “fuck buddy” so to speak, had the effect of planting a seed in your subconscious that you HAD to be good since that was all she was after. That would fuck me up too.

Hey, if you feel that casual sex isn’t your thing, than don’t do it. Never do anything in life that you don’t want to do. There’s nothing abnormal with a guy who wants a relationship but is pitted between casual sex and serious sex. Serious sex is way better…unless you’ve been dry for like 6 months and find some hot chick at a bar that you then screw in your back seat.

Man, I’m a romantic too, but every now and then I need to get my rocks off. I just hate doing it with a girl that I feel I might want to have a relationship with. You’re in a tough situation. But like I said, tell her how you feel and then hear what she has to say. Be honest…you’re no less of a man for being honest…a real man says what’s on his mind. That’s the best advice I can give you. You can’t fully move on from this situation unless you get some proper closure. If she doesn’t see things the same way you do, then don’t give in and just F$&* her…that’s the wrong move, cause it’s not what you want. If you both don’t see eye to eye, and she wants something you don’t, atleast you’ll know where you stand and you can move on, instead of having this keep messing with you. I talk from experience.

The greatest advice I ever got was from a friend who told me, “Trust yourself and trust that if you let this vibration go, a new one awaits.”

All the best!