Need some advice

To all you fathers and to the ladies of this forum, I need some advice.

My 16 year old son has 20 year old girlfriend. It has been causing me and my ex-wife a lot of grief. This girl isn’t very mentally stable. The first indicator of this is the fact that she (an adult) is going after a minor. She should be dating MEN who are out of high school, not boys. She has anorexia and burns herself when she gets depressed. She isn’t very respectful toward her parents nor to my ex and I.

Their relationship has been on and off. I don’t think they have had sex but I know they have kissed on several occassions. After declaring they had broken up, my son gave her a $250 guitar for Christmas.

We are at our witt’s end. I want to see the relationship end permanently but realize that it’s got to be my son’s decision. I have also been thinking that I should report her to the authorities and have her cited for sexual delinquincy of a minor. Here in Oregon where I live, an 18 year old can’t legally have sexual contact with a 17 year old…that includes kissing.

If you have any words of wisdom I sure could use it right about now. I look forward to your responses.

Personally I would put a stop to the relationship ASAP. However I had to do it.

For one thing your son is a minor & easily impressionable.
This girl doesn’t have anything but problems to share with your son.

From experience I can tell you that this girl will certainly influence your son.

My sister has a daughter who is 18. She has a live in boyfriend who religiously practices bulimia. This is like anorexia a lot.
With anorexia you don’t eat.
With bulimia you eat but immediately force yourself to throw up after eating.
Both of them also include severe depression.
It is a form of self hatred.
They are both become diseases with the same end result.
Death from literally starving your body to death.

Now my sisters daughter has joined her boyfriend in his practice of bulimia.
It is horrible watching someone you love kill them selves by starving their bodies to death.
My sisters daughter now weighs about 84 lbs & is 5’7”
She had a child recently that lived almost a month before the baby died.
This now has added to the guilt & depression of my sisters daughter.
We are literally watching her die very slowly.

We do not know how to stop her. Shes 18 & an adult.
You on the other hand are in a position to save your son.

He may act like he hates you right now for any actions you might take to stop his relationship with this girl.
But later on when he gets to an adult mentality he will see that you loved him & thats why you took the measures necessary to save his life.
Yes you will be saving your sons life by stepping in.

Please don’t waste any more time in doing whatever you need to do to stop your son from seeing this woman.
If you have to call authorities then so be it.
There are laws preventing adults from dating minors. Theres a reason for these laws.
Adults know what they are doing. Minors do not know the consequences of what they are doing. Its your duty as a parent to make those decisions for your child till he is old enough to make them on his own.

It may not be easy to take measures to prevent your son from seeing this woman. But remember that you are doing it because you love your son.

Decide what you need to do & then stand behind your decision no matter what.

You are so lucky that you are able to change this situation.
My sister isn’t that lucky & must just stand on the sidelines & watch.
I wish you all the strength you need to save your son while you still can.

Whatever you do make sure your son knows you love and respect him. Don’t come accross as over bearing and try make him understand the motivations behind your actions. Show him the possible consequences of the relationship.

If you have a really big heart why not try help the girl. This could lead to two outcomes:

1. Your love and respect for her smartens her up and she changes her ways. Four years isn’t really all that big of a difference if the two people are mature.

2. If she rejects your help your son may notice this and see her for what she really is and perhaps he’ll pay more attention to you/reject the girl.

Not that I have any qualifications on this subject. For I am the father of nothing. I have looked over your post and thought that perhaps I could chime in a constructive manner.

I don’t know your local statutes or laws as I am over 2500 miles away from you, but most of these laws were written for an adult male on a juvenile female. Only now is these laws being changed slowly state by state. Second the female is an agressor in your post will get the best deal of any prosecution stick possible, that’s even if they care to prosecute this.

An anorexic will usually have some form of issue with the mother that needs to be addressed. Most often the mother is controlling or appears controlling in the child’s eyes. So the only control they have over their life is subconsciously with their eating. A new trend in working with anorexics involved the mother in a group therapy situation.

If the girl burns herself it is a self-injuring condition which is very similiar to anorexia and bulimia in that it way more effects females than males and appears to be comorbid or together with these conditions.

A self-injurer is often tied with but not always a diagnosis of border-line personality disorder. This exists in approximitley a ratio of 3 women to every one male sufferer of this disorder. Very moody and will have a stormy relationship with others. If this GUESS is true, your son will be dumped by her soon for some exxagerated or illusionary thought or misdeed perceived by the 20 year old. So good chance it will work its way out there.

A BPD will complain of a constant emptieness or hollowness. Ask how she feels? Does she have mood swings between anger (more self-rage) and anxiety all the time? Please look these conditions up on a search engine for more help.

Is your kid mature for his age? Is she immature for her age? Maybe they might be matched up maturity wise not too bad. Perhaps she may need your support especially around this time of year.

Your kid is eating it up that he has an older girlfriend. So tread carefully and give much consideration to your ideas and thoughts. You don’t want him to drop-out of school or run-away with her just out of spite.

Thank your for your replies. I really appreciate your advice and insight.

Here is a little more info that may help. My son’s girlfriend is a second born child living in the shadow of a highly motivated sister. My son is also a second born living the shadow of talented and smart older brother.

Both identify with the “underdogs” of society which isn’t necessarily a bad thing. But it seems to have turned into a victim-stance mentality. They are smart and good looking but seem to think otherwise.

Yes, my son is mature for his age. His voice started changing before his brother’s did. The hair on his chest, arms and legs is as nearly as thick and bushy as mine. For a small town kid he is pretty streetwise and seems to understand the world around him. But my son also tends to pick girls who have a lot of problems and are needy which shows his immaturity.

She on the other hand is rather immature, which is obvious. I don’t know a whole lot about her other than what I’ve already said, but I do know that my other two sons don’t like her.

My ex and I have decided to sit down and talk with my son about his girlfriend…again. We will probably place more limitations on when and where they can see each other. I might corner her one of these days and tell her to get lost but we’ll just have to see about that. But like you said T.T. it’s my hope that she’ll do something completely kooky that will make my son see her for the nut case she is.

Thanks again for your replies. If you have any more advice I’d love to hear it.

Hi 1hunglow. Couldn’t help but really feel for you on this one!! In reading your two pieces and the other’s excellent responses, I was struck by how much of this I can relate to first-hand. Having been in both the places of your son and a father, I felt compelled to weigh in on this whole matter. Hope you don’t mind.

First a little background. I was the middle child in the shadow of both an older and a younger sibling who were brilliant, talented, and driven. Like your son and his girlfriend, I was the rebel underdog who was always a bit unsure of his own talents, skills, and attractiveness. Also like your son, I grew up as a small-town, street-wise kid who has always had a penchant for getting himself involved with women who have “lots of problems” (even though those problems are usually not apparent to me until it’s too late!). There have been a couple of notable exceptions where I was seriously involved with someone who did NOT have problems, but as I said, they were the exception rather than the rule for me.

In my younger days, I was the leader of an R&B/rock band who competed successfully against other bands whose members were 5-10 years our senior. In fact, we often played venues where, as would-be patrons, we would have been too young to get in the door. LOL. It provided me with many opportunities to hook up with older girls/women, and, as a result, was a constant source of trouble in my life. There were “romantic” pursuits by a good number of older girls and at least one married women a decade older than me. I will share just one of those stories…the first one of these.

The female lead singer of a popular regional band in our area took a fancy to me, and, long story short, I found myself helpless against her intense feminine charms and her strong personality. The problem was that I was only 14 years old and she was a very mature (worldly-wise) 17 year old with a brand new Mustang and no curfew. Notes passed at school and hours on the telephone soon turned into secret rendezvous with “adult content” activities.

My parents were rightfully concerned about what was going on, and forbade me to see her. So, I would pretend to go to bed after dinner, and then sneak out of the house and stay out with her most of the night. I got caught many times, and was grounded, punished, and lost all privileges. But, the more restrictions they put on me, the harder I worked to get around them and be with my “partner in crime”. When you are thinking with the little head instead of the big head, logic and common sense never prevail.

Though my parents had the best of intentions, all of their efforts to curtail my elicit romance were counter-productive. There is just something about “forbidden fruit” that makes it all the more attractive (Look at Romeo and Juliet). Had they openly acknowledged and accepted this girl and my relationship with her, it probably would have run its course sooner, and might have simply fizzled out (though I don’t know this for a fact).

All I know for certain is that their determination to keep us apart bonded my g/f and me into a sort of fatal attractions partnership. Because neither of us were very mature, we both did things to betray the relationship, and it eventually crashed and burned on its own. But I have to tell you that we very nearly got stuck in a permanent predicament before that happened. And, had my family not moved 500 miles away after the break-up, we might have gotten back together. There are great risks involved, whichever way you go, as a parent, in a situation like this. I think things like prayer, family counseling, and VERY open communications are essential tools for the “project” you face!!

I want to add that as I got older and switched from becoming involved with older women to having relationships with younger women, things did not necessarily improve. You need to mentally prepare yourself for the very real possibility that your son may continue to have “issues” of this nature most of his life. It is possible to overcome these tendencies, but I have not been completely successful in that endeavor through a half century of living…even though I am aware of the problem.

I was married to a women who was bulimic, and was eventually diagnosed with BPD and a side-order of Bipolar thrown in for good measure. I was also engaged to a woman who had tendencies toward anorexia and exhibited the classic symptoms of BPD (though she was never diagnosed, to my knowledge). And, while it is true that they tend to “dump” (or chase away)their lovers for imaginary and and/or exaggerated misdeeds (as TT pointed out), and many times simply destroy relationships they feel unworthy of, they also tend to obsess over lost or former loves, and often try to revisit or re-establish those relationships (sometimes going to scary extremes, in the process). Being more mature now, and having a well-developed sense of self-preservation and a determination to protect my children, I am well able to ward off such attempts. Your son does not have the advantage of having reached that level of “groundedness” yet. If and when they break up, consider such options as moving or placing him in a military or boarding school type arrangement for a year or so to help construct a wall of protection against further entanglements with this young woman.

I am sorry this was so long, and I doubt that it was much help. But, I wanted you to know that you are not alone, facing a unique situation. It is all too common. The good news is that with your love and guidance, your son can survive this current problem, and will hopefully carry some valuable lessons away that can help him in the future. Because of his personality, birth order, world-view, and so much more, he will likely always have a “different” sort of life than your other two sons. But this is not a BAD thing!! Cherish him for his uniqueness, and love him in spite of the challenges he may face. He will likely be a very special person in our world, and we need him to help round out the face of humanity.

bigjack

Bigjack,

Thank you so very much for your reply. You offer a special wisdom that only experience can provide. Your past sounds so much like what my son is living right now that it’s scary. My son is also the leader of a rock-n-roll band. They do mostly local gigs and parties. He also has had many girlfriends; fourteen or fifteen if I’m not mistaken. Fortunately, until now, they have all been his own age or a little younger.

I think you offer some good advice about letting the relationship end on it’s own. But on the other hand, as a parent I need to balance protecting my son from “danger” with letting him live his own life. If I were to interfere too much I’m afraid that like you, it may drive him further away from me and closer to her. He has always been somewhat obstinate and a bit of a knucklehead but at the same time very loving and generous. When dealing with him I’ve learned that when I tap into his loving and generous side I tend to get the behavoir I’m looking for. I think that’s the approach I need to take here.

Second born children have a unique lot in life. You’re right, we need these types to round out the face of humanity. Thanks again for sharing your personal perspective on the way my son is thinking and feeling. You have given me some valuable tools to use and things to ponder as I face this issue. Thanks.

1hunglow,

You have my sympathies on this one. And I am a parent of 4 boys.

Yes, it is very hard to balance that protective response we have as parents, with the knowledge that someday they willl be on their own. Hopefully we did our jobs well and they can survive in the world.

I would approach this situation in a manner of not parental guidance, but just as a good listener and find out 1) why is he interested in her, and 2) what his future plans are. At his age he should be thinking about college and beyond. Once you have the answers to that, then you can start guiding in a gentle manner in the direction he needs to be going in.

Young people that age are slowly spreading their wings and attempting flight. We as parents have to let the leash out some so they can try flying, but keeping enough reign pulled tight to keep them from hurting themselves. I, as a parent, would not confront the young lady, that would just drive your son further away and that isn’t your goal for him. If you come across as the parent, you will anger him. (Its too bad they don’t come with owners manuals, parenting would be easier then). Respect him as his own person and not as you said, living in the shadow of his older smarter brother. He isn’t his brother, he is himself. Treat him as such.

As I said I am the mother of 4 boys, each their own person. And I treated them as such, there was no “cookie cutter” anything in my household. Three of the four have turned out to be wonderful men, the fourth, well he followed his own drummer so to speak (took after the first husband is what he did). And realize that no matter what the outcome is, you will always love him.

Good luck

Sunshine Kid,

You also offer some excellent advice; finding out why he is interested in her and what his future plans are. Once a week, I pick up my sons (one at a time, of course) from school and take them to lunch. We usually have a good time talking and eating. During one of these lunches would be a good time to talk over this issue.

I understand their need for independence. It wasn’t that long ago I was a teenager and couldn’t wait to get out of the house. I am actually looking forward to seeing them grow up and move on. I am enjoying watching them turn from boys into young men. I try to affirm each of them as valuable and worthwhile people. I tell them everyday that I love them. That’s something I NEVER heard growing up. Even now my parents have little to do with me. Hell, I didn’t even I didn’t even get a Christmas card from them. But that’s a whole different issue.

Anyways, because of the dysfunctional way I was brought up it has made me even more determined to do it right. I do my best to make sure my sons are treated fairly and equally but recognizing their individual differences. I apologize when I’m wrong and try not to gloat when I’m right. Like you said Sunshine, I wish our kids came with owner’s manuals. It would have made it a whole lot easier. Thanks again.