Should I do this?
Alright, this is going to be long. Sorry about that.
I am seriously unsure about whether to go ahead with this or not. I’m not sure of my exact stats, but at the moment I can just make 7” on a good day, and girth, I’ve never measured, and I’m too scared to do it, but probably around 5”. Maybe over. I don’t know.
Ok. Now that’s out of the way. I guess I should give my reasons for contemplating this. And the reasons for not wanting to do it. Ok. Well. Where to begin.
I’ve been with my current girlfriend for just over a year. Some stuff happened between her and a mutual friend of ours just before we started going out. She told me about it just after we started going out. I was fine with it. I didn’t give a damn. Just happy she was with me. Then we went long distance, and it started to bother me. Really bother me. I think the reason for that was because it came up in conversation, and like a fool I asked if I was bigger. Got told no. Wasn’t expecting that. But yeah, really started to bother me, so I brought it up again. Found out she’d lied a little about it, happened one more time than she said, that time day before our first date, huge argument, all that, yeah. We can skip that.
The main points: She was a like a slave to this guy. She is very weak mentally, cannot say no to or disappoint people, and trusts people far too easily. This guy knew that, knew she had feelings for him, and used that. He’d been messing with her mentally for about a year. He’s that kind of guy, the one with a string of fuck buddies along with his long term girlfriend, all of which he hid from her. But he knew he could do whatever he wanted and she couldn’t turn him down for fear of losing him. It happened a sum total of 3 times. The first time it hurt so much she couldn’t stand it and had to stop him. Other two times she just put up with the pain after seeing what stopping made him like. Didn’t want to do it, did it out of fear of being abandoned by this guy, this complete sack-of-shit who had so much power over her, because he pretty much gave her all her friends, and she thought she’d lose them if she lost him, and thought she’d lose him if she didn’t put up with it. She tried to say no, tried to push him away, but he wouldn’t let her so she just gave in and said yes.
A little more back story: She’s 22, and she’s Japanese, I’ve lived here for the past few years. She’s the first girl I’ve ever loved. Cultural differences play a big part in this. To me, you don’t have sex if you don’t want it. Over here, girls will let themselves get groped on trains because they feel they have no choice and can’t stand up to men or stand out from the crowd. I’ve talked to the guy about this. She didn’t get, well yeah. What happens when girls want it. None of that.
Before him she had only had sex once, and including him she had only had sex 4 times before we started seeing each other.
But that guy, in her own words, was freakishly massive. From what she’s said, something around 8”, 8” and a half, and around 6” and a half, 7” thick. She says she thinks it just hurt, but because it’s such a bad memory she can’t be sure. Times she says she thinks it hurt, times she says she thought it felt sort of alright, so I don’t know which one to believe.
She tells me that before she met me, she hated sex. Every time after that guy had left, she couldn’t stop crying. Being with me was the first time she thought it felt really good, first time she’d ever got there from penetration, first time actually wanted it, first time she couldn’t keep her voice in, first time thought alright to do, no guilt, first time realised what it really meant, all that stuff guys like to hear.
But she also said before she got into sex, she thought what felt good was this feeling of pressure, and he had more. Before she fell in love with me and got into sex, when it was still terrible no matter the person, there was a time when she thought he felt better than me. Because of that pressure. Although she says I feel a hundred times better than him now. I can’t believe that. Or rather I hate the fact that there was a time when she thought that.
So I get told that, and bring up making it bigger. Makes her cry. Get told that I am perfect just the way I am, I feel better than anyone else, and because of that she would hate it if I changed even a little. I have never heard her cry like that before. Although that was probably because she felt she’d made me want to do that.
But I have such trouble believing that. She’s only just 5 foot tall, and the thought of that thing in her, it just seems to wrong, so unnatural, and I hate it. I really hate it. Some guy who’s just abusing their friendship going deeper than I ever have, making her feel things I haven’t, even though I love her, I hate it. I can’t stand it. She says I make her feel so many things that he never could, taught her what it means to feel good, and I should concentrate on that rather than size, but it’s so hard. I hate it.
I just feel so insignificant, like while sleeping with her was perfection beforehand, now I just feel inadequate as a man, and I hate it.
The reason this has got like a complex for me, when I never had any doubts before, is probably because 1: she said some really mean things when we were fighting. Like how in the beginning, before she got into it, before we both got a little more experience, she’d thought it’d be nice if I had a little more length. Figured out it was angles later on (maybe? I don’t know) and hasn’t thought that for the last 10 months or so. Apparently. And 2: My own mindset. Before I came to Japan, I didn’t give a damn about something like dick size. But then I came here, got the whole mindset that no matter who I slept with I’d probably be the biggest they’d ever had, that and the fact my girlfriend is so goddamn adorable. Insanely so. Never even imagined someone like her would have experienced something like that. I think that shock, combined with the things she said have made this a complex for me.
But I have got to do something about this. At the moment, I hate the thought of sex itself, it feels like something I have no right to do, with anybody, let alone her. Like I can only make women feel nothing but discontent and only make them want more. She gets back 2 days from now, no more long-distance, and is doubtless going to want to sleep with me, but I don’t think I’ll be able to. As selfish as that is. And her feelings for me are what makes it feels so good, and if I can’t do it, and the reason in that is because of a mistake in her past, it’ll break her. I don’t know what to do. I just don’t know what to do.
Sorry that was so long-winded, but what do you guys think I should do? I know I’m being incredibly selfish, really childish, know I’m ignoring her feelings, know I should be happy to have a girl that’s that open and trust with me, and should appreciate what I have, but I still hate it. But the fact she lied to me has destroyed our trust, still working on getting it back, so when I get down, like I am now, I doubt everything she says. I just want to be the best I can for her, I’d hate to sleep with her if I couldn’t make her feel better that a scumbag like that, the whole point of it for me is to make her feel good, get my feelings across, and sleeping with her if I made her feel any kind of discontent would just be inexcusable.
I don’t know what to do. What do you guys think? Talk to her about it some more? Try and get her to fix me psychologically, or see if she will let me do this? I don’t know.
Thoughts? Feel free to rage at me, I’m know I’m being a selfish prick.
And before anybody suggests counselling, I’m already getting it. Haven’t brought this up yet though.
Cheers, sorry for this. If anybody was kind enough to take the time to read it, I’d really appreciate your opinion. Sorry to just pretty much dump all my baggage here.