NC's comforter for the supposedly injured

I work at a crisis management organization, and my day job consists of comforting those who have just gone through troubling life experiences. I’ve been told I’m excellent at it, so I’m trying to parlay those skills I’ve acquired at work into something useful for the PE community. As such, II wrote an essay intended to bring some comfort to those who think they may have injured themselves through PE. I’d post this to the injuries folder, but being a newb, I don’t yet have access to it.


Hi. I can only assume you’re reading this because you’ve injured yourself while doing PE. You had probably tried something more intense than your unit could handle, and you’re currently experiencing an uncomfortable mixture of self-loathing and anxiety. You shouldn’t be feeling either of these things. Neither are useful, and furthermore, neither are deserved. Read further and I’ll explain why. Afterwards, someone more knowledgeable than myself will tell you what to do.

First of all, release yourself of self-loathing. Despite the fact you did this to yourself, despite the fact that you might’ve been driven to do so by childish insecurities or unattainable body standards propagated through both mainstream media and pornography, this isn’t your fault. These types of insecurities radiate from somewhere in the brain more ancient and powerful than logic. You can’t think your way out of feeling them. You just happened to be born the type of brave/stupid bastard that tries to take on the impossible, that attempts to change what others consider immutable, and sometimes bad things happen to brave people.

Furthermore, PE is a developing science, and there are not yet (to my knowledge) any hard, fast standards that can inform a practitioner as to when the optimal time to advance to a new level of intensity is. Everyone does it by following their gut. I did a newb routine for two years. That isn’t a typo: TWO YEARS. During that time I’ve bled from my penis twice, created a weird bump on my glans (it went away), had a thrombosed vein, experienced various discolorations, and felt all sorts of weird sensations that lingered long after the PE session ended, and I experienced all that despite the fact I was cautious as I felt I could possibly be.

But shit happens. It wasn’t my fault, and this isn’t yours. Take a deep breath. Forgive yourself. What you did is perfectly understandable. Your self-loathing isn’t deserved.

Neither is your anxiety. Your injury probably isn’t as bad as you think it is. Something weird probably happened during or after your last PE session; maybe something is oddly swollen, or shriveled, or discolored, or bleeding. You’ve probably read horror stories about PE gone wrong -men rendered impotent and useless, forever disfigured and denied the pleasures of their custard cannon- and now you’re certain that something equally horrible has happened to you. The evidence hangs right in front of you.

Here’s why you’re probably wrong: your senses don’t record reality, they create it. I know that sounds unbelievably metaphysical and inapplicable to your specific situation, but hear me out. There’s this guy named Richards J. Heuer Junior, and he was one of the most intelligent, insightful psychiatrists to ever work on a government payroll. He wrote this book called The Psychology of Intelligence Analysis, and it was intended to aid CIA intelligence analysts in their very difficult task of attempting to discern patterns out of the jumbled bits of random intelligence they’re able to access. That book, The Psychology of Intelligence Analysis, spends dozens of pages explaining how the very structure of our brains, and the means by which they store and sort information, results in our expectations distorting our immediate life experiences. This phenomenon has been observed, explained, and experimentally tested to the point that it’s no longer a matter of contention but of academic record. Let me state this more succinctly: OUR EXPECTATIONS DISTORT THE INFORMATION OUR SENSES TAKE IN. If you don’t believe me, here’s a link to the Psychology of Intelligence Analysis, and you can read it yourself.

URL to the book:

URL to the chapter explaining how our expectations distort the information our senses produce:

So what I’m saying is that you are unable to see (or feel, or hear, or smell, or, if you’re especially hung, taste) your (maybe) damaged man-part as it really is. You are seeing the worst because you are expecting the worst, because that’s just how our brains work. This, along with lacking the ability to spontaneously alter the size and shape of our penis, are just two of the disadvantages of being human.

So now that I’ve explained that it’s not your fault, and that it’s probably not as bad as you think it is, let me further explain why you’ll probably be alright.

Most Americans are probably familiar with the name John Bobbitt. If you’re too young, or too un-United-Statesian, to know what I’m talking about, John Bobbitt was a guy who had his penis cut off by his angry wife. She literally took a pair of scissors and cut his penis off. She then took her husband’s severed penis, drove away, and threw it into a field, where it remained for several hours until authorities were able to find it. At this point in the story, I’d ask that you do me a favor. Go take any sort of meat, and drop it into a nearby field. Come back in an hour. Unless you are in the depths of winter (which Mr. Bobbitt’s penis was not), that meat will be covered in hungry insects (which Mr. Bobbitt’s penis presumably was). In spite of the fact that Mr. Bobbitt’s baby blaster had been both severed and feasted upon at an all-you-can-eat-cock-buffet-for-insects, doctors successfully reattached it and restored its functionality to the point that Mr. Bobbitt made a porn a few years later.

Tl; dr. Guy had his dick cut off then sewn back on after it’d been lying in a field for awhile. Afterwards, that guy made a porn, because medical science and the regenerative powers of the human body are awesome.

Whatever has happened to you, it’s probably not as bad as having your wang lopped off and partially fed to insects. You are going to be fine.

But there are a few things you can do to help yourself towards that goal. You can drink a beer. You can smoke a bowl (if such things are legal where you live). You can read a book. You can watch a movie. You can play a video game. You can give your girlfriend (or boyfriend) a massage, or rub their feet, or cuddle with them. You can write an essay letting others know that they’ll be OK, and reminding yourself why you will be too. You can, and should, do anything that will help you relax and take your mind off your (supposed) injury. The human body heals best when it’s relaxed and worry free.

So remember: this isn’t your fault, it’s not as bad as you think, and it’s certainly not as bad as having your penis cut off and thrown in a field. You will get through this, recover, and live to enjoy your endowment again.