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I Need Help, Problems GettingKeeping an Erection

I Need Help, Problems GettingKeeping an Erection

Hello guys, I am 26 years old, I dated my ex girlfriend for 2 years and we broke 7 months ago, since that time I have not had sex until today, I tried to get laid with a girl and I couldn’t get my penis to get hard enough to penetrate her vagina.

I will tell a little bit more about me, my ex was my the first and only woman I’ve had sex with, and even with her I had problems keeping my penis hard. On the beginning of the relationship I was very hard to get an erection I was always nervous and so on, then she didn’t wanted me to use condom and I was always afraid of that, not all the time we had sex I could get to ejaculate or get an orgasm, I could get my penis hard for 15/20 mins then I would get tired or the erection would just go away, if I remember correctly I could only ejaculate inside her like 6 times, all the other times she had to give me oral sex and even while she was on that I would lose the erection, One thing that helped me to keep the erection was to give her oral sex at the same time that would turn me on more than coitus.

You may think its a physical problem. I don’t think so because I used to and still do masturbate watching porn videos, Its the only way I can easily get a full erection, I think my body and brain needs porn videos to get me exited, if I try to masturbate on the shower or without anything its hard for me to get an erection or even get an orgasm and ejaculate.. While I am watching a porn video I can easily keep erections for more than 30 minutes or even rush it to ejaculate in 2 or 3 minutes.

My problem is that a real girl won’t turn me on as much as a porn video does. Because I started masturbating like this since I was like 16 years old and I had sex for the first time when I was 24.

When I was dating my girlfriend I stopped masturbating and would do it some times on weekends, but I had problems 3 of every 5 times we had sex. I would always be nervous because of something, on the beginning I blame it that I was afraid of not being good enough for my my girl who had some boyfriends before me and I was always insecure or something, then I started to get a little of confidence, I even used Cialis that although I did not needed it helped me a lot to get confident, I just used that on the beginning, then I was nervous about her not wanting me to use condom, she got pregnant twice but we managed to get a legal abortion. I always wanted to feel ok having sex without any fears or getting her pregnant again.

When we broke I started masturbating again with my porn videos and never had any problem to get my penis hard to masturbate.

Last night I masturbated for a long time, and today at 4 pm I went with this girl, when we kissed and so on I felt that my penis wanted to get hard but didn’t got it. We went to the hotel and I was already afraid of not being able to get an erection and it happened, I like to give oral sex as it turns me on a lot but she did not wanted me to do it so I just played with her pussy and managed to get a soft erection, I put on my condom and started coitus but not lasted more than 5 minutes when my penis went totally soft, if I already was nervous I got really sad and mad at myself.

I know watching porn and masturbating is causing this. I need help to focus my toughs, I don’t know how to masturbate without watching porn, I don’t know if I need to quit masturbating but I don’t how to focus myself, my brain or whatever it is, to get me turned on with a girl. I know of men who can get erections with girls that are ugly and fat and last long. I don’t get turned on my fat and ugly girls..

Actually, my ex, was very hot. Pretty face, big tits.. I loved her body but when we were on the bed it would not help me.. With this girl I wanted to get some action today, she is very hot, slim body, nice ass and breast, I really like her, but when we got naked my penis just did not noticed her..

I hope there is someone that can give me some help, I feel really bad, ashamed and depressed. I don’t know how to see this girl to the face again and even try to do it again. I though of buying Cialis but I knew I did not needed it but maybe if I had bought it and knew that it helped it may have given me a placebo effect thing like it always did.

While I was with my ex I used to be 350 pounds, didn’t worked out and taked care of me..

Now after we broke I started working out, I exercise for 1:30 hours 5 days a week, eat 2000 calories or less a day and drink only water no more coke or any other drink. Now I weigh 265 pounds. So although I’m over weigh I am in way better shape than before.

I don’t drink, smoke or use any drugs or take any medication.


Ooops, that sounds really bad, and I’d like to express my compassionate feelings to you.
Anybody who has been at this point knows that it is a really dark point in a man’s life.
So that’s the bad news.

But there are good news too:
I have the impression you are, all by yourself, already finding answers to your questions.
At least you describe the symptoms with precision and you are actually looking for solutions.

But let me get to some details for a little moment:

Porn consumption:
The first question is since when do you consume porn? And then, at which intensity? You are in a generation where porn consumption is “normal” - so it has changed your brain and your way to look at women. Especially it has changed, or let’s more precisely said conditioned your brain to a certain type of stimulus it needs in order to send the “hey buddy get hard”-signal to your dick. And this stimulus is porn. Now unless you are dating porn actresses exclusively and they act like if they were on a set, real women in real life act quite differently. Even if they have fantastic bodies, their behavior is so different that your brain is not getting the “right signals”. One of my favorite scene out of a porn movie is: guy drops in a room, carrying a mask. A girl in a corsage tells him: “In here you have to fix the electric installations”, Guy: “And why is there straw laying on the ground?” Girl: “And why do you have a mask on?” Guy: “Give me a blow job”… which she does!
Now these are scenes happening all days in an average man’s life :-) Come on, let’s be serious! This is rubbish and we all know it. But, and this is a big but, the brain get’s used to that kind of signals, and it correlates this as “normal behavior of a female”. So if a woman doesn’t behave (not only look, but really behave) this way the brain thinks “ok, no sex time ahead”. For knowing more about this, have a look at - that’s good stuff in my opinion. I guess you are really a candidate for a full pron detox.

A very simple opinion: masturbation is neither bad not disturbing your sex life. Masturbation is normal and practically all men do. And practically all men who are in a stable relationship do it too. It does affect maybe your sex drive in the sense that you need recovery after masturbation and are less interested in sexual topics, but usually masturbation is not a or the problem.

If you say that masturbation affects your erection quality then I am afraid you make a cause/effect-fallacy. Because it ‘s not the masturbation which causes erection problems, but the things that go on in your mind during masturbation: porn. So back to the paragraph above for resolution. You tell it yourself by the way: ” if I try to masturbate on the shower or without anything its hard for me to get an erection or even get an orgasm and ejaculate”. This is it: simply your brain is missing the visual stimulus so things go down, literally speaking.

Well, you said “then she didn’t wanted me to use condom and I was always afraid of that, not all the time we had sex I could get to ejaculate or get an orgasm”. Just a simple question: could it be that you were not at hundred percent sure that you were not subtly afraid of her getting pregnant or maybe some slight STD-anxiety.

You say you were a lot nervous and couldn’t last longer than 15 to 20 minutes erect. Hmm, maybe we let again disappear the porn images of all these ever potent super-studs and come back to real life: I do not want to take your illusions away you, but not that much men last 15 to 20 minutes (during sex without foreplay)… with their first girlfriend. So the good news is: this changes with experience. And yes you are able to change this by your own hands and will: the technique is called edgeing.Do a search in TP and you’ll see what I mean. If I compare my skills as a lover in my early twenties and now (I am 47), I consider myself then as having been a bad lover for one and only one reason: insecurity! I had no comm8unicating skills in bed (yes I mean talking during sex in order to know what your partner wants and what you want for yourself), I had performance-anxiety which could get so stressing that I missed the performance, and most of all I could not let “the flow go”. I mean by this I could not just relax and enjoy the most pleasurable feeling, sex was much too much “work” and stress.

Body aspects:
You admit that ugly and fat women do not turn you on. That’s ok, no stress about that. And a few lines down you mentioned that you are losing weight yourself. I know I am in not condition to give a judgement because I am thin as a needle (too thin for a lot of women’s taste even!), but I support your effort in the way that if you have certain physical criteria towards your women you should fulfill some of their criteria too.

At 26? No, you are on the right path by stating that you want to work your mindset over first. So I’d say let’s do that first before you involve drugs with all their potential and undesirable side-effects. I know in the US it is quite different and you are able to get Cialis over the internet - here I have to have an prescription from a MD to get it. But by being a little overweight you have some potential cardiac risk factors for Cialis use. So even if you could just buy it without prescription, please go see a doctor first if you really want to do it!
And drugs against ED are for me “means of last resort”, just my personal opinion. I try to avoid them because I want to keep them in reserve if all else fails. That by the way is one of my core motivations for being into PE: not getting a big dick (which I have learned here I already have from a statistical point of view), but to get a healthy dick! No Cialis, just me and my hands and my pelvic muscles…

a) read the web page about porn detox and seriously do it. Consider that the positive effect will need some months to drop in as you probably are being conditioned to porn since early youth.
b) Go on with your diet and fitness routine - get a good body, it influences your perception of yourself.
c) If after 6 months of full porn detox (no cheating - you would only cheat on yourself which is worthless) you still have the same problems then go see a doctor because it might be you would have other causes than the one described above.

I sincerely hope I am not too harsh or rough, I am sometimes straightforward and am certainly not a trained psychologist :-)
But I think your dick deserves a chance - so give it to him!

Always wishing you good gains and a great EQ - Richard65

My logbook: Richard65 - the roadbook and my routine: Richard65's Routine

Richard, I highly appreciate your time and effort to read my post and writing yours.

When I was with my ex, I blamed it that I did not wanted to get her pregnant because I was not sure I wanted to marry her, She wanted to get married and wanted a baby. Both times she got a legal abortion it took me a hard time to convince her, as I always told her that I did not wanted to have kids before marriage. The real picture is that she wanted a kit so I had to marry her. I had no fear of STD. It was all about getting hooked up with a baby.

Now that this happened with another woman there is nothing to blame on her, she was hot, was ok to use a condom and she has a tight vagina, when she told me that I was very turned on by that, she was all wet and she told me she was feeling strange because she had never got that wet. We knew each other for a long time and she always wanted to date with me but then I started dating with my ex and we lost contact for some time until now. I now feel really bad because I feel like I disappointed her.

I remember the first time I ever masturbated was with a porn video and I always masturbated watching videos. I am aware that I have conditioned my brain to the porn.

I got to the point where I feel like I can not longer live like this. I don’t want to relay on porn to get a hard on, I don’t want to fear being with a woman in bed.

After I wrote this post I started reading about porn effects on brain and I am 100 percent sure that its my problem.

For the body aspects, I am aware that not most girls like fat guys, Most people think that a fat guy will date a fat girl. But there are Men who will just date fat girls because somehow they get turned on by them. And some Women will be turned on by fat guys. I am the kind of man who gets turned on by regular weigh chicks, and my ex was one of those who gets turned on by big boys, just like the girl I tried to have sex with yesterday.
I will keep on my Died and working out because I want to be healthy, I want to ride a bike without looking like a circus bear, I want to be able to use Rollerblades and do what normal people do, I also wanna be able to buy clothes anywhere I want without having to look for the BIG GUY sections. PLUS its easier to find girls who like regular size guys than girls who like big guys.

I will for sure do the porn detox and don’t want to waste any more time watching porn, I would prefer to be with a woman one night a week than watching porn every day.

Last edited by iPhone : 12-16-2012 at .

IPhone, several quick observations. 1 lose weight- your heart having to pump more blood to everywhere else hinders it to getting blood to your unit. 2 layoff the porn- it is hard to resist but until your sexual thoughts are only reality instead of the fairy tale of porn, reality will never be good enough. 3 limit masturbation to 1 or 2 times a week, it desensitizes your unit so it will take more contact from a woman to get and keep you aroused. Good luck !


I’d like to get back at the weight question: first of all, congratulations for the 85 pounds lost. What a success!!

Now I think you should be aware that you always will have a certain body type: more or less muscles and/or fat. Nobody can change his body type - I will never be a power-lifter an a power-lifter will never be able to get at my running performance.

But women like all types of body. And not a few of them like the big muscular guys who give them a feeling of being protected by strength. If it’s joined with a secure, self-conscious character then a lot of women are interested in you.

What do I mean by all this: set reasonable limits to loosing weight, just have to feel good in your new body without becoming addicted to weight-losing. A BMI of less than 21 can be dangerous too, and WHR (waist to height ratio) should be less than 0.4 at your age - but not less than 0.3!

I think your path is cleared, you are on the right mindset and care about yourself. So just do it - your beginnings are quite impressive to me!!!

Always wishing you good gains and a great EQ - Richard65

My logbook: Richard65 - the roadbook and my routine: Richard65's Routine

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