Have I cornered myself?
To start I would like to apologize for the long post but this is really something that has me worried and frozen in my own two shoes.
Okay so I’m terribly sorry if this is posted in the wrong area of the forum as I’m completely new to posting. I’ve been jelqing for about a year and I always used porn to maintain a suitable erection level because I really didn’t have the private time to perform the exercises(I still live with my parents so private time is preciously low) I was able to complete a routine of about 400 jelqs, 150 v jelqs, 100 half jelqs along with about 5 Ulis and about 12 mins of stretching in a little over an hour most times. Usually I would watch the porn just to get my penis up to about 70% erect and then focus my attention solely on my penis to ensure I performed the exercises properly, only watching the screen when I felt a little too erect for comfort(30% or so) I usually got in 100-125 jelqs before I had to re-stimulate myself to get back to 70%. I did this about 4-5 times a week but mostly 4 times and apart from the jelqing sessions I very infrequently watched porn (maybe one extra time a week when I was overly horny just to edge and orgasm). Recently I’ve read about porn induced erectile dysfunction from sites like YBOP(YourBrainOnPorn) and it has scared me shitless, I will admit the site itself seems to be quite a bit more anecdotes, correlations and assumptions than hard facts and causations so I’m not entirely sold on the idea that moderate porn use a major contributor of ED however for the sake of experimentation I decided to observe myself a little and see for myself.
Now while on the PE I woke up with morning wood but never really paid much mind to it but I do remember them happening not infrequently. So while on PE there seemed to be no issues, I felt great, I felt like even flaccid there was a nice amount of flow to the penis, no turtling and I felt energetic and awesome after. Then came my sexual experience with my girlfriend.
To begin with my girlfriend is a little odd, she’s a virgin but very very into sexual behavior like sexting etc so we do that quite often, I send her d*ck pics, she sends her pics we have a good time but actually most of our sexting is just pure dirty talk and it always get me off. Even til just today we had a session and I got off on just messages. We do this because we get very little time together alone and are horny young people.
We are both virgins so she is very tight and I am verrrry nervous. Normally at her house when I make out with her or we cuddle I get very hard very fast to the point that when I spent long periods of time with her I got serious blue balls when going home. Most she ever did was stroke me a little and everything, to me, was great up until we tried doing a little more. First was a blowjob, I wasn’t rock hard, maybe 80% or so and this trend continues for the majority of our encounters(about once every 2 weeks) and when it first started(with just blowjobs) I found that I actually had a bit of premature ejaculation. I wasn’t really paying attention to how hard I was getting because it felt so good and I finished so fast that I couldn’t ever focus. When I first tried to penetrate her however I slipped on the condom and went soft.. I was devastated. Since then I have tried penetrating a couple other times and the same thing occurred. Got quite hard(never focused on if it was really 100% or not) and got to the position to penetrate and then.. Got softer. I also notice that in general the head of my penis is quite soft even if the shaft is hard and when I try to insert it just sort of “bends” upward a little against her hole. As a virgin I am completely unaware of how initial penetration works honestly.
Now I’m scared to even try and I’m not sure if its performance anxiety or if I had ED or what. I did the “experiment” on YBOP to stimulate myself physically(not even fantasizing) to orgasm and was able to do it, though with some difficulty and time, so I thought I was in the clear but I get terrified by posts I read on YBOP and r/NoFap(places I’m starting to consider are cult-like) about cutting off all orgasming, all ejaculation, all masturbation etc. It makes me feel guilty every single time I have an erection with my girlfriend, thinking about my girlfriend or anything and its quite frankly depressing me. I just wish someone could tell me that porn induced ED isn’t a thing or that its drastically overemphasized but nothing these days is shaking the feeling that every orgasm I have with my lovely gf is bad, every time we do what we enjoy, its wrong and pushing me back from my “recovery”.
I’ve been so depressed I have stopped PE completely for about a week so far to continue observing but it just seems I’m too down lately. I get morning chubs(not erections), I can still stimulate myself to “erection” with no fantasy(80% or so) and with fantasy(solely my gf) I get to 100% and ejaculation easily. However if I don’t stimulate my penis physically I start losing my erection nearly instantly and I don’t know where to turn anymore. I can’t completely stop masturbating or climaxing or whatever because it makes my girlfriend happy and I want to make her happy as much as I can so I really feel like I’m dead stuck. I continue to masturbate with her, I feel guilty and feel like I’m digging myself deeper into “PIED” and will never recover. I don’t masturbate at all and she will be unhappy(has happened before) so I cannot survive with this 3-6 months of only experiencing an orgasmic release with her only twice monthly if that much. Every semi-nude photo I see on facebook, every bit of skimpy wear I see out in public I fear a “dopamine rush” that pushes me further into my hole(if I’m even in a hole I really don’t know).
Can someone please, please tell me if there is another issue here? Is it that I overworked my penis? Do I have a venous leak of some kind? Am I not getting enough sleep(5 hrs average a day)? Would continuing as I’m doing now(masturbating only to fantasy of my girlfriend + infrequent sexual experience with her) eventually sort me out?
Should I take some light supplements like HornyGoatWeed? Should I give up entirely on PE? Is it just Performance Anxiety that will eventually go away once I actually penetrate her(If I am able to). I know this is a long post and is probably not even in the right forum section but this is the only place I can post as of right now and I really want to get advice on how to proceed.
Again I am terribly, truly sorry about the long, probably misplaced post with loads of questions but I am desperate. I guess my main Too Long; Didn’t Read question is how, given my situation, can I maximize my EQ?