Reflections and Progress: thoughtfulgold

That “extra boost” from PONR edging is “ballooning” and I suck at that. Still. I’ve gotten better but, that post has to be over a year old and I still can’t PONR over and over. So I do regular old edging, holding a high EQ erection for a long time.

I told you to put down all your PE stuff when you first reported bruising from clamping months ago. You decided to keep pushing it till that injury pattern became more serious. As an aside, Titleist clamped too much back in his day and was told by his doctor he can never clamp again. So, I would express more care while “chasing fatigue” to make your routines work.

You’ll be pleased to know that I haven’t touched my clamp or bathmate since the last “trial”. :)

Visually it’s completely healed (it seemed like a cosmetic injury anyways), and I’ve been doing a stretching routine with a few jelqs and squeezes (the squeezes are above where the injury had occurred and doesn’t get irritated from them).

It’s looking really good and I’m being safe and not jumping at extreme PE anymore. I found out by BPFSL is 7.5, and I even think I measured in at 7.0 BPEL which means I’ve gained a half inch from PE.

Girth isn’t budging, but I’m not focusing on girth for now, just going to try and stretch my length tunica (all my routines are with constant heat too!), gain a few more centimeters in hopes of a little more NPBEL and for the sake of measuring 7” with less pressure from the ruler. Then once I’ve worked that length, hopefully my girth tunica will respond to a medium level clamping and pumping routine.

I know injuring myself was stupid, however, I had no signs indicating it was going to happen until it just did. No pain, no discomfort, took the clamp off and the injury was there.

I only went so extreme because I wasn’t feeling fatigue, I wasn’t seeing gains after months and months of my routine, so I thought I needed more intensity.

Alright, so if you’re reading this you’ve probably read about me burning my glans with an IR lamp. If you haven’t, that’s here: Familarity and Complacency: How I burned myself my first time with an IR lamp. Now, you get pictures of the lamp setup I burned myself with and the lamp setup I intended to use but out of sheer laziness did not setup even though I had intended to use said setup FOR SAFETY. I even ruled out using the setup I used in the first picture to burn myself because I had calculated I would burn myself using it that way! Of course, I conveniently forgot that for a few minutes…

To be clear, the microphone stand was in the house at the time in the box UNOPENED. It was available and not employed out of sheer laziness or arrogance or…something.

Pictures

1st picture is the lamp attached to the middle drawer of my desk in front of my chair. Chair too close, erection popped up and touched the face of the lamp. Instant burn.

2nd picture is the lamp attached to the microphone stand I purchased just to set under my desk at a distance far enough away that my erection could not possibly reach it. Wishful thinking that I’d chased that damn box down and set it up prior.

And there you have it. How to burn yourself with a reptile lamp and how to NOT do that all in one post! I suggest the second option. The first option really fucking sucks.

Materials used for Heat Lamp setup

1. Reptile bulb: 150W Reptile Heat Lamp Infrared Ceramic Heater Emitter Sold By Amazon for $11

2. Clamp Lamp for Reptile cages: NOMOYPET Clamp Lamp Fixture for Reptiles. Adjustable Habitat Lighting & Heat Lamps Holder Stand Sold by Amazon for $16

3. The Magical Mini Microphone Stand!!!! (please use this to avoid contact with lamp): ChromaCast CC-DMIC-STAND Microphone Stand Sold by Amazon for $9

**4. Reptile lamp cage/shade: Pet Habitat Heat Lamps Anti - Scald Lampshade,YZ Scald Proof Lampshade, Anti - scalping Grids ,Reptile Turtle Incubator Ceramic Lamp Protection Net Sold by Amazon for $9 (Yes, for $9 I could have lizard proofed my reptile lamp and no I don’t mean no fucking iguana!) This was not in my possession or even something I knew existed at the time of my injury.

Tab for IR Lamp heating rig: **$45

**I went looking for a reptile lamp shade because I figured that iguanas would have to creep up and touch this damn bulb at some point and people probably wouldn’t want their pets to get hurt. Logically whatever shade or cage they came up with would probably protect a penis from being burned by said same IR bulb. If I had thought of this when I made the original order I probably would not have burned a sizeable section of the head of my penis.

Be careful with any heating elements you use. This is my second burn. Any heat source can burn you if you aren’t careful, no matter how experienced you are or how smart you may think you are. Take it from me.

Again.

I’m just using a blow dryer haha!

If that works for you more power to you. I need my hands free for manual exercises or thus I would like continuous heat during them. I have played with heating prior and my pumping days of heating the tube have shown me good benefit in heating during a session while manipulating the penis. So, unless I sprout an extra arm, hair dryer isn’t for me.

I hold it during my stretches, then when I need to do something that requires both hands, I set it on my computer tower and it happens to be level with my penis.

I spent most of the day trying not to move around. After finding that I had to leave the house I made up a bandage. But the fact of the matter remained that no matter how I moved my jeans would jostle the bandage and make me swear. I think that this part of recovery is the worst. Where you reflect countless times on how you could have prevented the injury.

The main thing I can take away positively is that I am not turtling. I have measured consistently throughout the day the same and dressing down a pant leg has been very…Interesting to say the least.

It’s 5.75NBPF and 6.5BPF as I measured just now. It appears to range but not drop below this point. So I think my body is recovering quickly and I’ll be fine. But probably 100x better if I never scorched the head of my penis.

*shrugs*

Evolution says we learn the hard way. Does not make it suck any less. I am still stoked for PE. I’m kinda mad I get another month off but ah well.

I did get to run my new PE4F pumping setup at least a few minutes. It worked just as envisioned. I just didn’t have the time to master it in one session. At least I’ve got some thing to look forward to. Additionally there will be a guard on my heat lamp or I’ll just go with an IR heater assembly. Signs point yo the guard being too small for my current lamp and bulb, meaning I should replace both to use the guard. But…if I knew a $36 investment would wash out the $58 heater would have been more attractive. *sighs*

Gotta keep on living. Learning comes with.

The post session flaccid seems very impressive. Is this a known outcome of this method?

No. Known outcomes of this method are…pretty much non-existent. Reading the reports of xenolith and Bearded Dragon reveals little of the actual results though both love the method when they employ it. PEforFun, the creator of it, doesn’t appear to mention much regarding flaccid change but I would have to read his report again to be sure. His report is quite Spartan so this detail could have been overlooked considering the level of erect gains he experienced.

I think the method works and has great potential but nearly nil on public documentation. It is why I started a 3rd log just for PE4F style pumping. So that my notes would be gathered in one place, detailed and orderly as well as accessible and easily readable.

I am not the first to explore this method but I appear to be the first interested in thoroughly charting it for all to see.

Something I’ve learned in my latest forced deconditioning/rest/break/recovery from injury time is when you think about your goals you can’t be guilty.

One defining aspect about my time here on Thunders place is that many people struggle to gain and that those people (more than others) see me as a role model or their only hope to get bigger. I don’t like shouldering that responsibility. But I cannot change how people see me, not when they read my gains first, my name second and almost never the rest of my signature. It has gotten to a point where I’m considering removing my size from my signature all together. I don’t like being treated as a living legend and being regarded in such a way. When people are so bereft of hope while just starting their PE career it makes it difficult for me to progress on my own PE Journey.

I haven’t directly listed goals and my own progress report but seldom because so many people are always asking me “what am I up to?”, “what are my secrets?” and “how did you start PE?” even though that is the first page in this log. It is so difficult to say “I have goals that are further than you can contemplate because you haven’t had any progress to know what you’re capable of in the PE Realm.”

And so I never say that. Ever. How could I? I can’t even be honest because a sizable amount of people aren’t able to see past themselves and their own despair with PE, adequacy issues and depression that they are looking to PE to fix. The fact is since I’ve mastered PE to a certain point I don’t have any limits on my goals and the sky’s the only thing stopping me. What I desire is my only limiting factor. Almost 9 years ago I set goals that I believed were too high to ever reach and now this year I believe that they are reachable within two years from now.

I want to reach 10” BPEL. And if I could reach 9”+NBP then that would be even better.

If my theory on how to even out my curve works as planned then my girth will also change drastically to a point much closer to 7” with comparatively minimal effort considering the things that I have tried in the last 3 years that I’ve netted me very little as far as mid-shaft gains. In the last 18 months my net mid-shaft gains have been 1/8” to land me right at 6” solidly. I have been up as high as 6.375” but I have returned to 6” so many time that I have to mark it as my mid-shaft girth for now. Ultimately want to reach 7-7.5” MSEG and 8” BEG.

All of these are goals I set back early 2010 when I imagined that I could actually choose to be bigger after I get started in August of 2009. I had seen some small gains in those 4-5 months, which were all good cuz I was only in my extender regiment to fix the curve, and at the beginning of 2010 I then had ideas floating on the slimmest margin of hope possible. A glimmer of a dream that was still so foreign that when I picked up dildos in local sex shops I was still awkward and guilty feeling for desiring the dimensions that I would hold in my hand for my own.

There was a purple Pearl shine dildo and used to have a big 9 in emblazoned on the top right corner of the packaging if I recall correctly. I remember the dildo was long, thick and incredibly intimidating. About a year ago I encountered it again and it was still longer than I was due to the battery compartment but the girth was no longer intimidating. I was thicker than it was. I could tell this at a glance and at first my only conclusion was the dildo had shrunk, they didn’t sell it the same way. But my perspective had changed so gradually over 8 years that I just couldn’t understand what I used to see and what I used to be afraid of. The Pearl shine dildos are famous for being the same exact thing that they always are and all of them are smaller than they used to be in my eyes. That is not a coincidence or a conspiracy. That is a perspective change.

My perspective has changed so much that I have become the PE veteran but I have always wished would have guided me. The guy with the gains, history and stories who I wish could have shown me the way. I wanted to become this guy so that I could show others the way. It is why I’m active here and why I try to share my journey as completely as possible.

However, the backside of this is that I can’t feel completely unencumbered to seek my own goals when I am constantly giving advice and consoling others about their sizes, goals, traumas and trying to keep them motivated to start PE to begin with. You can’t tell people that start at 5.5x5.25” about your goals to reach past 9x6” in good conscience. All many guys here see in me is legendary pornstar status. So I tend to silently contemplate my own goals and contemplating public the mentality to reach them and the end game that comes with it. But I seldom speak on the numbers themselves. I don’t want to alienate anyone. I remember the intimidation I used to feel when I would read about The Big Bib gainers or the PE gym guys and part of it was why I wasn’t active in the community for so many years after I left the X4 forum. I don’t want to make myself less approachable or make it to where people don’t know how to deal with me because I have a long history and PE and very large goals and an incredible level experience so that I can seek them. I begin to surmise that this feeling of guilt is likely why most people beyond 8.5x6” are no longer active anymore.

I don’t want that to happen to me. I still have knowledge to share and people to help. But I have my own PE journey to complete as well. I have goals that I have earned the right to chase and I should have peace of mind to talk about them. The rules are unwritten almost, regarding people who have reach certain sizes and the conduct that they must have to be polite to others who haven’t or will not or cannot reach those sizes. I don’t want that to change, I don’t want this place to turn into a cesspool like MOS or LPSG. Etiquette is a wonderful thing.

But there isn’t any other place where I can talk about my desire to reach 10x7.6” without totally derailing the thread and question. And it just makes it harder for me to admit that I have these goals even in my own personal log because that is part of the atmosphere of this place. I know how large those goals are. I understand the ramifications. I have given it years of thought and almost hidden from those goals, scared they could hurt me.

I own the goals now. I can also admit that having a penis 5x the volume of average would make me happier than I care to emphaize. That it is a goal I have secretly nursed since junior high, before I knew PE was possible when i was being tormented by bullies about my size (or lack thereof). The flaccid size such an erection would come with would doubtless meet my 7.5”+ flaccid length criteria. So that I hang flaccid longer and thicker than most large men present when erect.

All things I never mention. That would sound like teasing and disparaging remarks at best. It would literally be troll level if I spoke on it anywhere else in the forum but here in my log. There is no section in the Forum Guidelines about how larger members ought to act or any direct penalty listed other than disparaging remarks and vitriolic behavior at other members or the forum will not be tolerated.

Thusly, sometimes the brotherly atmosphere is oppressive to people who have reached a certain size. Titleist doesn’t post as much anymore, I can name probably 6 more who posted when I first started who have stopped. We don’t want things to be awkward or intimidating because we want to help. Almost all of us do, aside from trolls who show up to post a few pics then ask to get rated or the guys who just came here for tips who don’t want to be a part of the community.

I know anyone posting 7.5x5.5”+ in visible sight gets messages asking how to do PE, what is the secret, and many are badly syntaxed Google translate messages from men both desperate and insistent. That it drives people off the forum. I stay, at least for now, because I have a mission while I’m here. But, it gets difficult to say the least.

I suppose it is all part of the mantle that is inherent and having the gains that I have had. A mantle built on me trying to offer all of it is that I know to the community that confers upon me respect but also a duty of a certain sort of conduct and tolerance. I accept that.

Sometimes I would just like to be human, not a living legend, too.

I think you’ve shined a light on the truer nature of this forum and others like it. There is an extremely powerful public perception surrounding penis size. I once read a man who was the cliche of “manly”, after all these things he did, including some harrowing times in combat, say after all that he never felt like a man because he had a small penis.

It just illustrates the destructive nature of that perception. Porn and pop culture engrain men and women from a young age that a large penis is good and sexy and amazingly pleasurable ,and a small penis is bad and shameful and doesnt feel good during sex.

The kicker here…there’s some truth behind it so far as pleasure from PIV goes. I can honestly say I was broken up with because of it. And you know…I can’t blame the person. Sex was important to them and I have a thin penis. Now looking back I realize that my size was just one of many reasons for the dump…but it screwed me up, especially since I’ve known I was small from a young age. I remember crying to my mom very young because of it, before I was engrained by porn or culture.

In a way I would have put myself into the category of someone who followed your threads because I’m at nearly your starting size, though to be honest I always thought some if your initial size was due to erection quality (just from what you’ve said about your partner and relationship…if I’m way off I apologize). My EQ is ok and at rock hard I am still a little below your start and this sort of gave me pause…but you’ve gained so much that EQ can’t account.

To me I relate to the despair on one hand, but I’m pretty confident and optimistic on the other just by personality. Not type A or alpha male type but just…well arrogant or egotistal maybe, just hidden….

Anyways, for me I don’t really believe I can reach any goals, maybe not because of physical inability but just because I seem to injure easily and don’t have lots of time. So this causes a sort of disconnect where I can’t really attach the same hope to big gainers…if that makes sense.

To be honest I browse this board in case some technique (medical breakthrough probably) comes around that shows promise. Secondly I aim to help people through that despair, as you’ve mentioned you’ve done, though in your position I’m sure PMs are much more frequent.

I just want to say it’s no trivial thing to help someone through this obsession and despair. It can be so destructive, so all consuming…tainting a perspective with those thoughts of “yeah you’re life’s pretty good but your penis doesn’t feel as good inside your lover as someone else’s would…” or “yeah people may enjoy your presence but if they saw you naked they’d be uncomfortable FOR YOU, because your penis looks like a child’s.”

It sucks to not be comfortable in your own skin.

What I’m getting at is I think you should be honest with your goals. Be transparent. You communicate well, you don’t come off as “too good for you now that I’ve made it”, and you’re willing to help, free of charge.

This isn’t to say you owe people or you can help everyone that comes your way. Just that you shouldn’t look at your position and feel obligated because if it, but rather thankful that you have to knowledge and words to try to help. No pressure, you can’t force help to be successful. You aren’t a magician. You can’t wave a wand and imcrease someone penis size. You can’t control whether someone is a hard gainer or OCD or a hypochondriac. You can respond with a kind word and a gentle encouragement, with patience and a listening ear. Not that you must. But if you want to, you can.

P.s. best of luck with the healing!

Culturally if nothing changes then we will see the next generation battered in a similar way. *sighs*

My posted starting stats were always measured at maximum hardness. My EQ with my first partner made them much smaller, to be sure. I probably presented 5.2x3.9” wth sex with her. But I didn’t start technically at the size I was with her. I started at the size I was when I masturbated before we met.

My mother was no help in my journey. Parents were no use for me. That, you had an advantage that I do envy.

Thank you for the well-wishes.

I won’t be sharing my goals or mentioning them much. It attracts negative attention. As a mod I’ve seen too much of it already with other users, some of whom had to be removed. I remember the frustration and despair. I won’t rub my success in anyone’s face, even in passing. I’ve seen the resentment it can create. I was depressed, down and out and desperate. Seeing gains in the beginning made me spend 10k in 7 years. I will not be the reason anyone feels like a PE failure or loses hope. I won’t strut it like I recall seeing. It’s crappy but it is for a greater purpose that my goals are overlooked intentionally.

I am transparent. Some parts of my journey just don’t get the same level of attention in my log, because it’s not a good choice.

I help who I can. I can’t help most guys desperate for a quick fix or who refuse to listen but I try. I post all I can recall so others can learn and use it. I’m not obligated. I accepted the mission.

It just comes with parameters, expectations and it’s own requirements for success.

Thank you for your thoughtful words, Lilhelp.

Well, you definitely helped me, that’s for sure. Reading your posts reminded me of when I was mastering online poker, and read Barry Greenstein’s Ace on the River, and Cole Taylor South’s blog. The mental transition from what I learned was immense. I’ve made tremendous progress since consolidating all my research with taking advice from your posts. To be honest, I’ve even found the “limit ejaculation” thing to be very useful, when it comes to both bodybuilding and PE. When you are focused on gaining muscle/penis size, I must say, I agree that limiting, or even avoiding, ejaculation is definitely the way to go. I’ve since made the recent adjustment again.

(Please forgive the double post)

I can understand the goals, in the sense that I respect them. I respect pretty much any man’s goals. So even though I honestly think the 7.6 girth is too large for most women on this planet, your goals are your own, and people should respect that, especially since you stated your concerns for people commenting on that.

I have a question though: Seeing as many women cannot take a 7.6 inches of girth vaginally, and certainly not anally without serious pain and tearing (even porn stars have to do weeks of anal prep work, also muscle relaxants, for Lexington Steele who is below 7 inches of girth), wouldn’t you be concerned about the actual legitimate reality of not being able to have intercourse with women who can’t take girth above 7 inches, when many women have issues with 6 inch girth and above already?

The reason I ask is that I wonder if you’re actually considering a career in porn, where at that size, you’d be much bigger than even Shane Diesel, who I’m instinctively guessing is who you’re trying to beat, as a mental goal, since both those numbers edge Diesel out. Lexington Steele, who is much smaller in girth than 7.6 says that he can’t even have regular sex with normal women, for the most part. I’m sure there are many women who he can be with, but I can only imagine how terrible it would be to be in love with a particular woman, only to not be able to have regular sex/anal sex because you’re too big, which is as much of a problem as being too small.

I personally know that if I ever reached 8X6, I wouldn’t give up PE, but the reason I can understand why most guys quit posting after that goal, is honestly probably less because of guilt, and more because Penis Size is a non-issue for them anymore. I’m honestly way more concerned with looks, money, fitness, and an active social life with great women, over my PE goals. Perhaps its because I’m technically average already. But I’ve had my dick confidence issues for a long time as well. It’s just that as I’m older now, 34, I just see a much bigger picture than I used to.

I have to say that I’m very curious as to your reason for wanting to be that size, in girth. Is there a reason that you feel comfortable with stating about why you want to be that big? If not porn, then is there a reason that you feel comfortable stating for why you want to be that big?

The reasons are complex and personal. However, one is merely to stay motivated to push towards the more “modest” goal of 6.9” as I am pretty sure packing my 2.25” should get me there.

Packing a 2.5” tube is an undertaking I’m not prepared for now but, I state these goals that have swam in the back of my mind for many years to give them voice. To say, if PE ended at those stats I would still be happy and invest time and energy in helping a partner adjust if it were the catastrophic issue it could possibly be.

PE4F mentioned, at 7.2” girth, he wishes he had stopped at 6.7” or so. And I do place the aesthetic of my penis at the top of my priorities so if it ends up in that range to be straight and more even in girth, so be it. I used to target Shane and Mandingo, I mentioned it in a post at some point. I used them as fuel for the drive to get me here. And using them again and remembering my reality is easily shaped by my mind and abilities is key.

I don’t deny these goals exist within me. And by embracing that and the world that has continued to fold before my desires and manifest my goals is creating the mindset of unstoppable victory. I released myself from hard limitations and goals a long time ago and it is the ability to look at what is deemed impossible and see potential that makes a visionary who carves whatever Destiny he chooses.

I will likely gain well, in time with the methods I have planned. They are all crafted based around breaking my own plateau into many pieces and charging forward at a steady, inexonerable pace. I have planned, researched and pieced together a plan of action I feel is perfect for where I am. All of these feelings and sensations of control and power as well as a relaxed outlook knowing that what I desire has manifested and continued to manifest with my ministrations is key.

I set those goals because I know I can reach them and I choose when to stop gaining, when my journey ends. I hated what they used to symbolize but I take them now to power ahead into unknown territory because…as I gain and my physical body continues to change, I will reach the point of satisfaction on my own. Not at the end of a measuring tape but in a mirror and in my own eyes.

Those goals are nearly 9 years old. To ever reach the end of this path I have to embrace them, what they used to mean and mean now to me. Then, move forward and decide exactly what penis I desire 1 day at a time, with the surety of a man destined for victory.

I don’t hide from my old dreams nor am I ashamed of my new ones. What lies at the end of PE for me isn’t written yet…but I acknowledge it all and control the pen that scribes my story.