Tourniquet Motorsports unveils 2008 Penis GT.
Tourniquet Motorsports releases details on the first major redesign of popular Penis model
3:27 EDT NEW YORK (Reuters) - For the first time since the end of puberty, Tourniquet Motorsports (TNQT - NYSE) has made radical changes to its top-selling and wildly popular flagship vehicle, the Penis. The new design, now named the Penis GT, “is an attempt by Tourniquet Motorsports to increase our market share amongst the female population” said CEO and Founder Dr. Tourn Iquet. “In order to compete in today’s market,” he went on, “one has to consider every possible angle from which to make their product appeal to the target demographic and I think we’ve done just that”.
Tourniquet Motorsports unleashed the original Penis onto the public market in 1993 where it performed well in areas such as sales, performance, and customer satisfaction. Not wanting to fix something that wasn’t broken, Iquet felt no need for an overhaul…until now. “Things change you know? Back in the 90’s there simply wasn’t enough of the Penis to go around. I was handing that shit out like Tic-Tacs” laughed the good Dr. “but a little over three years ago, I was approached by Goddess Industries (TWAT - NASDAQ) and they wanted all of the Penis for themselves. They were a fantastic customer, loyal, and very, very enthusiastic so I made the deal and while things are still going strong in the arrangement, I felt I owed it to them to deliver a new and exciting design”.
Teaming up with the hailed performance engineering conglomerate T.H.P. (WANG - NYSE) back in September of 2007, the two firms worked together to produce what is today’s Penis GT. “While we kept the original foundation in tact, the guys at T.H.P. had some radical ideas about how to increase the performance. In just six weeks we expanded the wheelbase by 1/2” and circumference by nearly 1/4” in order to penetrate deeper into those tight turns” Iquet said.
As the vehicle began to swell, many outsiders initially questioned the new design especially in today’s fuel efficient atmosphere, but T.H.P. had an answer for those concerned with efficiency. “The T.H.P. team countered the new size by adding in a bigger, stronger BC to the drivetrain. I’ve tested it out myself and I can go even farther on 1 tank than the original model” he claimed.
Asked how it performs in inclimate weather Iquet responded “We took special care to insure that the Penis GT performs well regardless of the conditions outdoors, especially in the rain. In fact, we designed it specifically to perform in the wettest of conditions. We’re so confident in this latest design that we’re hoping the mere site of the new Penis GT will unleash a maelstrom of moisture wherever it goes.”
The question still remains though as to how the client will react to the new design. “The CEO flies in on Friday, so only time will tell. It’s been about 2 months since we’ve had a meeting and I plan on unveiling the new GT model then. We’ll take it out on a test drive up by the Public Gardens on Divinity Avenue and we’ll see how it goes”.
Wish me luck guys!