Thanks for your kind replies and advice guys and gals. I have been reading the replies but never had the heart to reply (or was it shame? Maybe a bit of both). Sorry about that.
I have recently decided that maybe I really should stop keeping my thoughts and feelings inside me and share them with a psychologist. Besides, he might be able to guide me in what I should do next. While over-analyzing has always been a problem for me, I think it has brought me a solution: to conquer the feeling of worthlessness (and I really should feel worthless) I have to improve myself. I need to become better than average at something. Be it my physical appearance or my speech or fitness or skills - anything. I need to stop being a jack-of-all-trades who can do anything but is worse at it than everybody I meet. Like playing guitar - I can play, I guess, but whenever I meet somebody who really can play (or actually had the luck of having a music teacher in school or a private one) I immediately feel inferior. But if I had a great set of abs or could play a didgeridoo like a pro I wouldn’t. So this is my plan - keep following my routines, add more weight exercises, start running again, work on my speech, visit a psychologist and get a skill that I could excel in.
Still, when it comes to meeting girls.. I’ve been reading ads on dating websites just for fun (or self-torture :/ ). It seems that most if not all have very steep minimal requirements, and those are physical ones, the ones that are deemed impossible to change, like height, endowment, handsomeness, you name it. And while I understand that and it is reasonable to have some physical preferences, it worries me how few women are actually interested in feelings or conversations or common interests :/ Maybe I should just focus on the physical side of me, become hott-hott-hott, develop the attitude of a bad boi and bring home a new slab of meat to bang every night like some of my old friends do. Then again, as I recently figured it out, sex with no feelings is less stimulating for me than masturbation and I would prefer a platonic relationship to relationship-less sex. But any way, I stopped paying attention to girls. I still am physically attracted (oh how many times I wish I looked in the eyes and not elsewhere, I just look way too needy) but since I stopped having conversations with them, I no longer get attached or like any girls emotionally. Maybe I have completely objectified them and think that they are all the same? Well, not all. But all have some minimal requirements for partners and I just don’t fit them - none of them. And then some people say that it is all personality and physical appearance does not matter, well, I suck personality-wise too. Maybe one day I will feel good and will be able to share that feeling with somebody. We’ll see how it works out in the end. Right now maybe I should just try to enjoy what I have and work on myself.
I’m rambling again ><
Sorry about sharing my thoughts too much. Maybe I should blog about this, keep a private “journal” (journals are manly! Girls have diaries!) and show them to a psychologist someday or just discuss them.
Thanks again for all the kind replies - you have been really helpful in calming me down and I think I finally got through the “anger stage”, I think I am finally accepting everything and accepting that I must do something about it.
Hey man, hang in there! I was going through the same thing a few years back and my life felt like hell! Only one thing I can suggest, and it was a problem I faced and still occasionally do:
Like playing guitar - I can play, I guess, but whenever I meet somebody who really can play (or actually had the luck of having a music teacher in school or a private one) I immediately feel inferior. But if I had a great set of abs or could play a didgeridoo like a pro I wouldn’t.
Instead of trying to be better then the next man, just be the best you can be. This is what I do and I’m finding it helps, occasionally I have a lapse and start comparing myself to others but then I remember there’s more than six billion others out there and there’s something I can do that perhaps half of them can’t.
You sound really frustrated and if rambling here helps then go right ahead! I don’t know about anyone else but I’ll be here to listen.