Well, as for me, I have had my wake-up calls all my life. It has been building up for a long time, and the thought that I could be judged based on something I cannot change was making me want to drop an A-bomb on the world. I feel like this is going to be a long post and I apologize for that in advance, and my English is far from perfect. I do not feel proud about spilling my beans over 4 pages.
Realization that I am smaller than average
Back in school, I was once at a friend’s house, I came by to download a couple of computer games from him. So he fires up Sexonix and at some point whips it out.. I kid you not, that was at least 8 inches long (though no more than 3.5 girth), I remember looking at it from the side and realizing that penises come in different sizes. I knew that his must be extraordinary and I though that I was average, and besides, I did not even think that THAT is such a big concern in life.
At some point in my life, I had a first girlfriend. She was adventurous (what a nice word for “slutty”), and we did some fooling around. I will never forget that expression on her face and her words.. “Why is it so small?” How do you answer a question like that? Especially when it comes from somebody you love or at least you think you love and when it’s supposedly mutual? I could not mutter anything besides “Well.. That’s all I got.” That was the first blow to my sanity. Knowing that I was inadequate, inferior, not worth being even liked by someone because of something in my pants, something so insignificant and being helpless about it, maybe it was more than I could handle. I still think that I never had another girlfriend in high school because maybe she was spreading rumors. I have recently found out that some of the dirty details of our relationship have been talked about between girls even in the last year of high school, which got me thinking if they were also talking about how I size-up.
Our relationship was strange. I knew she was cheating on me and I was still madly in love with her. And I mean, how would she know what the right size is? Maybe it was because she was cheating on me with that guy who had and 8-inch penis, and I knew that she was, I knew they spent too much time together for some reason besides friendship, I saw that dreamy look in her eyes, but not when she was looking at me, but at him.. We still were going out, but there was a lot of tension between us, and the relationship kind of slid into a silent break-up. I had good friendships with girls, not “boy-girl” friendship, but I could get along with them pretty well before we started going out, but I lost a lot of friends, I felt alone for several years. I still do not know what they think of me nowadays, I ended up dating once or twice a few of them, but it never went past going out.
I probably could have lived with being judged by a single female who had seen me naked, after all she was a spiteful bitch and a size-queen, maybe my situation was not so bad, I could see myself as “average” or “lower end of average”. But hearing other people discuss sizes made me realize during my teens that I really was below average.
I have to admit that I was borderline obese since the age of 9-10, I still try to blame my parents for allowing this, I mean, where were they looking? My hormones were messed up, I could have ended up having boobs or becoming sterile, and they did not do a god damn thing to stop me from shoveling food down my throat. By the age of 14 I was eating portions bigger than my dad’s. I had to see an endocrinologist (she was a fat cow herself) twice a year, and she would constantly joke about the “mirror” symptom. When I asked her about what it is, she explained that that is when you can only see your private bits in a mirror, ha-ha, very funny, bitch. I also remember my grandma laughing with her, I felt horrible at that time. And she wouldn’t do anything besides gossiping with my grandmother and joking about my weight, which made more likely to eat bigger and bigger portions. My weight has remained quite high until a couple of months ago. I have spent my 19th birthday on a treadmill. I lost 14 kg’s and I am now borderline normal/overweight. 10 more kg’s and maybe I will start feeling OK.
I had phimosis (wow, I was a really sick kid). That is, I had it until a pretty late age, until I got circumcised. Now there is nothing wrong with being circumcised and I felt finally relieved that I no longer had any problems “down there”, but one detail stuck in my memory. My own mother asking the surgeon after the operation if “it is going to be any bigger”. To which he replied most delicately, saying that it is in there and that it is perfectly normal, and that it is just covered by a fat pad, and if I lose weight, I will be perfectly normal. But the fact that my mother who is supposed to be considerate and understanding was judging my DICK SIZE.. Well, you know how that would feel. I fell extra pressure and I feel like I’ve “failed” my dad. I’ve only seen him naked once when he was running out of the shower to grab a towel, and his flaccid hang is way below the balls AND he is 6 foot-something AND he is pretty much successful in life, my complete opposite. Sometimes I feel inadequate to the point of thinking that maybe he would have preferred to have somebody else as his son.
All those small bits have stuck in my memory making me think that I am badly-endowed and no amount of measuring and comparing to reports will be able to fix that (I am supposed to be within the average limits even according to LifeStyles). Knowing that I am below-average was bad enough, but the final blow was the..
Realization of what being well-endowed means
I guess that I got paranoid, but I couldn’t get the thought of being rejected based on how I measure up out of my head. And all I could do was connect the dots that I got rejected based on that in favor of somebody who had a huge advantage over me. So I figured that being well-endowed must have a lot of benefits.
Then came the porn. And you know what everybody looks like in porn. Seeing as how I have never seen an average penis in my life, combined with the effect of porn, my perception of “average” shifted upwards. And those guys in porn were actually getting “attention” from women, and combined with titles like “[MILFs|Teens|Pornstars|etc] like it big” got me thinking that if you’re big, you’ll have lots of sex. And isn’t that what we all want? I felt that relationships come with sex, not the other way around, not that sex comes with relationships. And seeing how in Sex and the City all relationships seemed to start in bed, I felt that I was right.
Thinking about it now, that stupid show gave me lots of wrong (or maybe not) ideas, like that if you want to be a fireman, you have to be a hunk and have to have pole-dancing skills :D But they were also vocal about sizes. Seeing how Samantha had sex with a postman/courier just because he had something big in his pants further fortified my idea that if you want to have relationships, you need a big dick. If you do not, you can just f*** off and die. That was the loud and clear message of the whole show. Sex and the City for guys is the equivalent of Cosmopolitan for women. I try to repeat that as a mantra, but it does not help.
Going back to porn, does anybody remember Ron Jeremy? That guy basically proved my theory that if you are “not very attractive”, short (I’m 5’6 just like Ron) and have a hairy back, you can still make a successful career out of your dick and become a celebrity! Do I need to say that everybody knows who John Holmes is? What is it like to have your name known in the whole world just because of having a gigantic slab of meat? Jonah Falcon is not yet an absolute celebrity, but he is pretty well-known despite being an ugly arrogant guy attached to a 13-inch cock. How do I know he’s arrogant? The guy is writing a screenplay dedicated to his penis, for Christ’s sake! All that just proves that being well-endowed opens a lot of paths in your life.
Going back to my school years, after feeling all alone in the world for several years I finally found a true friend who remains my best mate even today, even though we live in different countries now. He does have a problem with women though. No, not the lack of them, they all LOVE him (just shows how much confidence means in our world), but he can never get out of a relationship. No matter how hard he tries, they always come back, as if they are magically attracted to him, as if there is something he provides them with that they cannot live without, as if they are willing to sacrifice whatever dignity they have and come crawling back. And while is generally a good-natured guy (a bit too bitchy sometimes) and is generally fun to be around, I cannot see anything so special about him that would make somebody THAT much attracted to him. So he got a new girlfriend. Who was 22. So, an experienced gal. They were going out for 2 years and I would sometimes talk to her in I’M, and once we got talking about relationships in general. She literally told me that when I start my sex life, I should ask HIM for TIPS. So that meant that he must have been pretty good in bed (and that got me into the vicious circle of women want somebody experienced in bed - you cannot get any experience without women - you cannot get any experience - you cannot get any sex - you cannot get any experience).
His most recent girlfriend was a real bitch, and he didn’t even like her any more. Once me and him got talking about Ron Jeremy and the conversation shifted in the area of being able to survive without women and being able to give yourself a little something involving being a gymnast (boy that sounds weird). I try to incorporate stretches in my workouts and I can put my foot behind my head, so I am moderately stretched, and I can only reach the very tip of my penis with the very tip of my tongue and it takes a tremendous effort and a completely empty gut, but that is a great achievement for me. He cannot even touch his nose with hist big toe, but he can touch “it” with his tongue no problem. When I asked him in a by-the-way manner just how long is he, he said he doesn’t know but that last girlfriend told him he is big. And they just broke up. We were actually doing a bit of a long-distance drinking in Skype and I heard him on the phone to her, it was pretty brutal. I can bet that she will come crawling back for more, she always has. So what does that mean? Does that mean that a guy can be a complete asshole to a girl but be great in bed (and well-endowed, he probably has a 2-inch advantage over me at the very least judging by how badly stretched he is) and still “get some”? And here I am, a nice guy with a small dick and I’ve never had a proper relationship. Kind of hard not to draw any conclusions.
And I nearly forgot to mention that I’ve recently relocated to Australia. Well, everybody here towers me. I’ve never used the shower at the gym I used to go to, so I cannot compare penile sizes, but in terms of height, I am a dwarf. In my country of origin that height is about 2 inches below average and is pretty much acceptable. Add that to my inferiority complex. While browsing some dating sites I have noticed that for every 100 women there are 1000 guys, half of which are well over 6 foot or in case of “adult dating” have the picture of their humongous cock as the avatar. That only further adds to the feeling of being unwanted.
I went back home recently for a few weeks and for the first time in the past 2 years I felt that I was not a freak. I am too proud to admit to anybody that I am unhappy here and that I have wasted the last few years of my life doing anything short of ripping my ass apart just to stay here. Don’t get me wrong, it is a great country, if you do not have any mental problems preventing you from enjoying it that is.
That pretty much sums up all that lead me to feeling hugely inferior. Looking back at all that text, I feel like I a whiny kid and an attention whore. I’ve never shared all that with anybody but for the first time in years this thread seemed to be an appropriate place to do so. I have mental problems, I admit it. I tried following that up but was too embarrassed to get into counseling. It attributes to my social problems and prevents me from living my life to the fullest. But instead of dwelling on how screwed up the humanity is for obsessing with dick size, by seeing how hundreds or thousands of people have changed their lives here, I now know that I can too. Even if I get a centimeter a year, I will just have to keep at it for 10 years. Just reading Bib’s, YGuy’s, Kingpole’s, Maxxx’s and all other PEers results and experiences gives me hope and determination to do whatever it takes.
I am also doing the shinbone lengthening routine from easyheight.com and hope to see some results in 2 years (2 inches to my height would make me average, lower end of average, but goddamn acceptable), and most of the supplements I take can have positive effect on both vertical and horizontal sizes (protein, HGH boosters, NO boosters, vitamins, calcium).
Once again, sorry for writing this much.
