I have been reading about the densities of many metals. I believe platinum would be the best as it is even denser than gold but just as malleable. However, I have decided to go with uranium as it is almost as dense as platinum but, unlike platinum or gold, it will give my cock that much sought after “healthy green glow.”
The process of acquiring the uranium was relatively simple, I simply walked into one of the many chop-shops in my area and the owner put me in touch with his Russian mafia connections, who in turn put me in touch with a corrupt Russian General who had fallen on hard times and was eager to make some extra cash by selling off a part of the former Soviet nuclear arsenal. Nobody asked any questions, it was business as usual.
Bringing the ICBM I had purchased at a very reasonable price back into the United States was a simple process as well. I thought about asking to have it mailed to the US labeled as “hair care additives,” but in the end decided to just go over there and pick it up myself. I flew in, and met the General who was very happy to see me and my $500 check. He joyfully showed me my new missile and even provided a military convoy to help me transport it to the sea.
I arrived at the Polyarny Inlet where I waved goodbye to my new Russian soldier friends. I proceeded to commandeer the prototype Typhoon-class Russian submarine the Red October. I loaded the missile into one of the Red October’s missile tubes, dived into the sea, and engaged the caterpillar drive. I had a pleasant run back to the United States coast. After the fact I learned this caused a small international incident, but I didn’t notice.
After unloading my missile I put it in the back of a rented pick-up truck and drove home. I had to take it to my parents’ house to remove the uranium as it would not fit in my apartment. I told them it was a science fair entry as I did not want them to know I was constructing a cock coil.
Removing the uranium was easy enough. There was one brief scare when I accidentally activated the detonation countdown, but I was able to diffuse it in time.
Long story short, I am now the proud owner of a uranium cock coil! It works so good! And I am happy to report that my cock is now glowing a pleasant and vibrant shade of neon green. Just beautiful. Also, there was one unforeseen benefit: there is now a small arm growing out of the side of my cock, it waves to me when I am feeling blue and the sexual implications are endless. I am presently teaching it sign language so we can communicate better.
I now have this ICBM just sitting in my parents’ backyard. They haven’t said anything yet, but the neighbors seem to be getting suspicious. I want to get it moved before the neighbors put two and two together and realize I extracted the uranium to build a cock coil.
I have been in contact with several Islamic fundamentalist groups who want to use the missile shell and remaining enriched uranium to make something called a “dirty bomb.” I want to support them in their fight against the infidels - from what they tell me, these infidels seem like really terrible people - but I would much rather sell the missile to one of my friends at Thunders so they can also enjoy a uranium cock coil like mine! “Snug tug, mo’ glow.”
Let me know if you are interested!
