Wife doesn't want me to PE, or doesn't want me to be a person who would PE

Thanks for your encouragement buddy. Most appreciated.

Rick - have you two thought about hormone replacement at all? I’d be willing to bet she also wants to feel sexy and enjoy intimate time with you, so you aren’t alone. You just have to facilitate it more at that age.

I’m not on the ‘manipulative SO’ train as far as the reason for her not liking your PE. I have two other theories that I’d more readily stand by:

1. She has no idea about what PE will actually do for you, and thinks its a complete waste of time.
2. The fact that you feel the need to get a larger penis, presumably this is new news to her, while being with her is making her insecure. Maybe she thinks it is a knock on her skills in the bed and you are compensating for that. Men see the penis as our livelihood and a source of pride, women see it as a means for sex. She probably thinks your desire to PE comes from unsatisfying sexual experience.

Rick, I feel for you bro. That is definitely a sad post and it’s very cool that you are remaining faithful to her. Freder is right - in this day and age, there is no reason she can’t get on some hormones to get her back in balance. I’d look into it. I’d even do some research on natural supplements and see about having her take them without explaining fully what they are for (that is, if she’s not open to taking them.)

There’s some twisted logic to this.

I think it might be a little too twisted. It’s got a lot of doom and gloom in it that might not actually be there.

Here’s what I mean:

While it's possible this is true, I don’t get that feeling.

Especially as Mr. baldwin doesn’t describe someone who is being controlling, but is more expressing her feelings of discomfort with his new found hobby.

I think this is more on the right track:

Dino’s point about losing respect seems at play here - except that her lack of respect seems to be that PE itself represents a lack of self-confidence to her.

Possibly. But then again, maybe not.

She may just think it’s obsessive behavior. We have to admit, it’s an unusual hobby, after all. Most people find it weird. That weirdness can make people uncomfortable if they haven’t adjusted themselves to the idea.

I’d guess this is her issue with it.

Again, possibly.

Here’s another possibility: she liked sex with you just fine, pre-PE, and is therefore dismayed at this activity on your part. For her, your size was fine and therefore your new found focus on it is a little bizarre and that makes her uncomfortable.

I’d also think it’s possible she might be feeling a little inadequate herself; some women think PE is a statement about them - that they are somehow inadequate. This is another possibility as to why she is threatened.

Seeing as how she married you, she was obviously perfectly happy with your size. For most women, the joys of sex are much more interconnected with their overall feeling about you. The mechanics of parts moving together is only one aspect and often not all that important to them - not unimportant, but not a primary focus.

Another possibility is that you are taking time away from time the two of you have together to PE. She may feel like a PE widow.

She may be upset by this as much as the activity itself. It’s like you’re cheating on her with your PE activity. So I think she could have a lot of reasons; reasons that may seem counter-intuitive to you.

That she’s not demanding that you quit, but rather letting you know that it bothers her, seems to indicate (to me anyway) that she’s not a controlling person.

You know her. You tell me. Is she controlling? As a rule, I mean?

If you really have a problem with her, is it possible to sit down and talk to her about it? Ask her what the trouble she has with it and get her to tell you why it bothers her?

In such a conversation you can explain that there are some health benefits to this and that you are mostly doing it as a means of self-improvement. It’s not that there’s anything wrong with your sex life, you just want to improve it. You don’t have to be sick or inadequate to get better. All you want is to be better.

If you can pin-point what bothers her about it you can begin to negotiate those areas and arrive at something where you can both feel comfortable with it.

Failing that, you can quit or go stealth.

What’s your relationship with her like on the whole? How well do you two communicate? Etc.

Think it over and let us know.

Yes Fred, I have. A little bit of background. We had a relatively good sex life up to my wife hitting menopause. I say “relatively good” because she has always been very conservative in what we might do. In her words, she refused to “play the slut”. Her idea of slut and mine always have been very different.

After menopause, it got progressively more boring – like you could set a clock on where we were at – always the same and always over in about ten minutes. I tried to bring in a bit of variety, but except for a couple of minor things, that went nowhere.

I also discovered she was not turned on by my nakedness any more. More than that – she is constantly telling me to get dressed (I do like being naked and would readily join a nudist club if she’d come with me), put a shirt on, etc. That I was able to restore (CI-3 to CI-8) and, more recently, add heaps to my length AND SHE DIDN’T NOTICE says heaps.

About 2000, I started having andropause problems (see for more details; I have also posted a bit in the Men’s Sexual Health Forum). If you check this condition up, it’s FAR more than having problems in the bedroom – it affects your whole sense of well-being. In my case, it affected my ability as a Managing Director of my consultancy.

Initially, I had no problems in the bedroom. However, in about 2002, occasionally I did. I tried cialis, viagra, etc. All worked fine, but all gave me a dreadful headache next day. SO, I WENT ONTO HRT.

About the same time, my wife declared that she wasn’t all that interested in sex anymore and, maybe, we should just give it up. We did that for about six months while I went onto HRT. Then, everything sorted itself out with me. I told her all was OK now, but she ignored my statements. Sex was now off the agenda. My own research on the topic revealed that this happens to many women after menopause.

Believing the notion of “‘til death us to part”, I had to live with this issue. Sex became a solo thing for me. Well, I always did masturbate a couple of times a week because I didn’t get enough of the real thing. Now, it was all I had.

I should mention two other things here. First, we love each other VERY much. I can’t imagine life without her. If she were to die first, I really don’t know how I’d cope alone. I do know, though, that she’d be fine. She’s very complete in herself and a real dynamo at work. So, our relationship became more good companionship.
Second, I did explain to her how my life had changed through HRT and suggested she might try it too. Her attitude was that she was fine like she was and would not. Also, worthy of mention here is that HRT ain’t cheap and she’s not your “normal” woman – she’s very tight with money, especially for herself and, to some extent, with me. Then again, she’s extremely giving with our children and especially our grandchildren. There’d be very few women of our means who has such a mean wardrobe, set of jewellery, etc. [There’s a history here that I won’t bore you with — from her childhood]

So, HRT and solo it was.

Around 2006, I decided to give foreskin restoration a go – having read heaps on how it improves your sensitivity (wow, does it ever – I’ve posted elsewhere on this just today). I did this by stealth for about 18 months, then let it all hang out. Boy, did that ever get a negative response. I think she thought such a focus on my dick must mean I’m gay (and, by default, so is everyone who does it), but she never actually said that. She did say that she felt violated because I did it behind her back. It resulted in major arguments. Even so, I continued until I was done – to about mid 2009, I think. My biggest mistake was that I showed her the website that I was using, including the photos of other guy’s dicks.

Around 2008, I purchased David Schnarch’s “Passionate Marriage” and suggested we might read it together, chapter by chapter, and discuss each as we went (Mr Bloody Fix It again?). She thought it a good book (I thought it was absolutely wonderful), but the outworking was a big fat zero – she was not going to play the slut (I should point out here that we’re both Christian, she’s Catholic).

So, PE is by stealth, too, and will remain so. I don’t like that, but it’s the only way it’ll work. In a way, it is cheating on her.

One of her few faults, is that she has great difficulty understanding that while she accepts something as OK, other might not. So, if it’s OK for her to turn her back on sex, I should be able to do so as well. I suppose I could, BUT I’M NOT. While I agree with both your points here and expect them to apply to an extent, I think we should also add the gay element here as discussed above – although, she’s never actually said that so, maybe, it’s my fear only.

There’s a lot in your post brother. I’ll answer it as best as I can:

She tries to be VERY controlling. She was Deputy Principal at a local school. I constantly have to remind here to drop her “school-marm” voice with me.

Yes, and add the word “gay”.

Yes, brother, apart from agreeing that sex was OK pre-PE, I think they all apply. However, I don’t see a way out of it.

She isn’t demanding I quit because she does not know. But she would if she did.

No, I think any discussion would be futile. I won’t quit (yet) and will go stealth.

Our relationship is very good, except when she’s tired (which can be quite often). She works too hard and takes on everybody else’s issues. She can’t draw boundaries, especially with family. When she’s OK, we communicate very well; otherwise we argue. When you’re feeling crap, you tend to take it out on your loved ones first.

Hey guys, thanks very much for your comments here. You are a very caring lot and I appreciate it all very much. If there is a solution, I’ll give it a go. However, I think I’ve already exhausted all avenues. We’ll see, eh?

RickM

I should be clear that I was addressing michaelbaldwin’s query rather than your issues.

I hope that, in the broader sense, my post is helpful to others, and I’m glad you found some use from it. However, I would say that your situation is a bit more specific and seems to have some unique challenges.

The first thing I notice in your description is that your wife appears to be uncomfortable with sex itself. The little you’ve shared indicates some real inhibitions on her part.

Given that I can’t say that I’m surprised that she’s opposed to PE. In her mind it must take something she’s uncomfortable with into surreal levels. I’d guess it freaks her out.

That she’s post-menopausal seems to complicate thing further. Women seem to either a) get really horny or b) lose a lot of their sex drive. I think it’s obvious where your wife is.

Is there any way she’d agree to couples counseling? Or is that out of the question?

Sorry, I misunderstood your thrust and thought you were responding to my post, in part, at least.

We did try finding a counsellor and one who was happy with David Schnarch’s “Passionate Marriage”. However, it went nowhere other than to send us off on the circle that we’d been around so much before. I came to the decision around then, that it was all futile.

While sex is very important to a good marriage, other things are important too. Our marriage is good in all other respects. As a Christian, I did not see a solution in “sleeping around”. So, solo it is. I’m learning heaps of things here about good sex on your lonesome, e.g. edging, pumping (for the pleasure as well as growth), etc. I’m going to buy a fleshlight shortly and, maybe, a prostate vibrator as well (anyone any experience on these?).

One of the hardest things that I have to come to terms with is that she doesn’t even like to be cuddled much anymore. She will allow it, but usually pulls away within 10 seconds. There’s a chemistry there when holding her that I miss dreadfully. Oh, that she was the “horny” type that you described.

Well I’m unfamiliar with “Passionate Marriage.” I assume it’s about how to integrate sex into marriage.

I’m a little concerned that you wrote off counseling as ‘futile’ though. I guess when I hear that I naturally wonder how long you stuck with it. The sort of difficulty your wife has is not the sort of thing that changes over night or even in a year - it can take quite a bit of time. And the older one is the harder it is to change.

Her ideas about what it means to be ‘Christian’ can be (and likely are) bound up in it. Which further complicates it - we’re talking about deeply held core beliefs.

Of course it is possible to be Christian and have a healthy attitude toward sex and a healthy sex life as a result, but she seems to have internalized some pretty negative ideas surrounding it.

I feel for you in situation.

It’s true that there are other reasons to stay married and if you’re happy with the balance that has been struck I suppose that’s all to the good. But I do sense your disappointment and dissatisfaction.

The Fleshlight might help, but I can’t help feeling that there might be a better solution for you.

Or am I just overly optimistic?

It’s a great book, that moves well beyond sex (but treats that very well indeed). For example, it shows men that there’s more to sex for women than what happens in bed, such as helping around the house, etc.

I think I’ve done all there is to do. But maybe I have given up too easily. Frankly, I don’t think it would be resolved unless she went onto HRT as well and, then, had the same desires in relation to sex that I’ve got – well from a female perspective of course. That could be a way ahead. Then, she’d want to find a solution and take a lead in all this. However, she has already said NO.

Yes, I think her Catholicism does not help. However, I reckon that God gave us sex and put our dicks right where we can grab them easily. That, in turn, brings on all sorts of pleasures. I’m enjoying watching my 13-year old grandson right now coming to terms with all this. We have not talked about it, but I did notice a roll of toilet paper on the ledge immediately above his bed and have no doubt what that’d be used for apart from blowing his nose.

Yes, but I know it could be much worse. She could have dementia for example like my Mum did in the last 10 years of her life. For most of that time, she couldn’t talk, feed herself, control her bowels, anything. She didn’t know who I was – basically she was a living vegetable. No doubt, some of the older guys here have this problem.

I believe you are being optimistic, but am willing to stand corrected.

Hey, I do like the Robin Williams quote. Brilliant!

I would strongly suggest pursuing a course of action involving your church(es). Things like this are never resolved in isolation. I don’t think you’ll see much progress until she receives some genuine healing for what happened in her childhood (I’d wager there’s a lot more there than meets the eye). Once that’s dealt with you can start the work of healing your relationship and only then will true progress be possible. Traumatic and formative events become an anchor in our past that prevents us from moving forward.

In the end, it’s still your decision. Your wife wouldn’t dictate your hapiness and contentment. Try to make her understand that you are not just doing it for her but also for yourself if that’s the case.

As it was declared on this thread, women do not feel attracted to insecure men. That is a built in filter that they have. I’m dating a woman that has a PhD in psychology, and I’ve been insecure in some ways. I’m struggling to break the cycle of insecurity in my relationship with her.

First, I think women don’t want their partner to be insecure. Having a hang-up is not attractive.

Second, I think many women doubt that PE will work, and they think that we will be let down, even when we tell them about the online enlargement community. There are so many hoaxes out there. I’m sure they think we might have gotten our hopes up for nothing.

Third, I do agree somewhat with the guys that say the women don’t want you to become too attractive. After all, it is difficult to remain confident when your partner has a much higher value on the dating market than you do.

Last, when I spent time going to the gym, that time often subtracted from the amount of time that I spent with my girlfriend. I think that she also disliked my dedication to the gym for that reason. In my experience, the female population as a whole, would prefer to date a man that does not follow an ultra strict diet, and need to get to bed early every night because of his dedication to bodybuilding.

I think my first and second explanations are more applicable to why women don’t like hearing that their partner wants to do PE.

Kojack10 nailed all the relevant points, I think. Great post.

And cervixhunter’s analogy with breast enlargement is helpful, too. I personally find it a turn-off when I discover that a woman wants to have various “work” done to her body, whether it’s a nose-job, a boob-job, or whatever. It often suggests an unhealthy attitude toward one’s body and a perpetual discontent — some degree of mental imbalance, that is. On the other hand, I am pleased when a woman shows dedication to healthy diet and exercise, so maybe part of the turn-off of cosmetic surgery is the money involved, and the typically mediocre results — I’m not sure. But I can definitely understand why some women would be turned off by the idea of PE, especially because it tends to involve a lot of time and effort and some risk, and the results are uncertain.

I agree with most of Kojack10 post, but would also like to add the theory that by encouraging you to practice PE she would be admitting by proxy that your penis size mattered; and for what ever reason there is that old stigma of “ if a girl wants a bigger cock then she must be a slut”. So to get the best of booth worlds she can’t take a hard stance against it but rather say she’s against it, but really act indifferently.