Trans girl penis size problems
Hello, I’m new here. I’m not entirely sure where to put this thread, but I’m desperately reaching out for help as I feel like I’m almost completely out of hope at this point.
As the title states, I’m a trans girl (MtF) who’s having some problems with her penis size. I was on hormone replacement therapy for about three years I want to say. Estradiol for estrogen, and Spironolactone for my testosterone suppressant. During my time on the hormones, I noticed my penis (and balls) shrinking which caused me a significant amount of depression. I am a girl on the inside, but I was okay with having a penis, and I’d go as far as to say that I had actually grown to like what I had. I also did not want to pursue extreme surgical procedures like sex reassignment surgery. My BPEL before hormones was around 7.5” give or take depending on the day, and the NBPEL was a little bit under 7”, I want to say the circumference as around 5” as well but I never sufficiently measured it, as I was only focused on length at the time. It may not seem like much to some people here but I was happy with it and it made me feel more confident about my body. Ever since my time on hormones though, I’m down to a BPEL of around 6.5”, and a NBPEL of around 6”, sometimes less. My circumference always seems to measure 4.5” now and my flaccid length is so small it’s heartbreaking, as often times there’s only around 2.5” NBPL visible. Some of the people who I’ve talked to about this treat me like I’m crazy for being upset about this, or try to tell me that size doesn’t matter and that it’s about how I use it, or that I can get good at oral, or that because I’m trans I shouldn’t care about my penis and should be happy that it’s smaller. The complete lack of understanding only causes me more pain really. Even as a girl, it’s hard for me to feel attractive/sexy without a big penis, and with what has happened to me in general.. :c
I’ve been off the hormones for a few months now although not by choice but due to real life circumstances causing me to lose my insurance coverage. I did briefly take them again somewhat recently for a few days, maybe a week, because I still had some left from when I had to stop, and was upset about my appearance becoming more masculine again, as well as I was worrying my hair was falling out. Anyway, during this time I was extremely disappointed that I haven’t seemed to get any of my size back that I’ve lost. It’s been quite devastating really as I used to try to comfort myself mentally saying that if I did quit, it should come back, since the equipment is still there.
One of the things I have noticed is that even when in its flaccid state my penis is sometimes still hard in the middle, and that the elasticity of it in general feels greatly reduced compared to what it was like before I ever started the hormone therapy. I used to be able to stretch it 7” but now I’m lucky if I can get it to like 5.5”. Sometimes I wonder if it’s like, retracted inward to be more like a clitoris, or if the hormones caused some of the shaft to be remodeled into something similar to the labia, as I’ve noticed when I’m not erect that there’s hood-like shape around the base of my penis that I know wasn’t there before. When I am erect the base of my penis is also noticeably different than it was before, like the where the veins are, and how the base is shaped. The base of my penis used to be fairly thin and curved upward, but now the base is around the same thickness as the rest of the shaft. What it really looks and feels like is that I lost the bottom portion of my penis.
I apologize because I feel like I’m kinda rambling, but I’m in such a state of despair that I can’t even focus my thoughts very well. I guess I was wondering if it’s even possible to help me or fix me. I still want to feminize myself and pursue my transition, but I’m considering alternative methods than hormones now, and I desperately would like to get back what I lost. Is there even anyone here who has experience or knowledge with this kind of situation or something similar. I want to believe maybe PE stuff can save me but it all seems like it might be too good to be true, and I’m sorry for feeling that way. I’d like to be proven wrong if I can, because I feel like my life depends on it. I’ve been feeling like I don’t even want to live anymore if I can’t fix myself. I’m kind of worried though that I may not even be eligible for PE due to how my penis feels and functions now. The whole issue I described with it not even really being soft when it’s not erect, and the greatly reduced elasticity has me very afraid I’ve permanently ruined myself. If it really is possible for me to save myself though, and if this does work, I can see myself wanting to go even further than what I had before, as I feel like the bigger my penis is the more attractive and sexy I’ll feel, which will help my self-esteem a lot I think.
At the moment I don’t really have the ability to buy anything for PE, so I was wondering what kind of things I can or should be doing to try to make progress, or if that’s even possible really. I’d like to be able to make progress while I wait for the opportunity to have disposable income again for equipment and anything else that could help me with this.
Sorry again for all the rambling and if this post comes off as very disorganized. As I said before I’m a total wreck mentally over all of this and even over other issues in my life. I think if I can have my hope restored for this and to be able to get back what I lost it’ll take a big burden off of me. Thank you to anyone who takes the time to read this and to anyone who can help me.