PE and the great horror
I’m not sure if I should place this in the newbie forum or not, so any mods may feel free to move the thread, if deemed appropriate.
My story is as follows.
This fall, I began dabbling in the dark arts of PE. The reason was one often cited; my girlfriend claimed that one of her exes likely were slightly girthier than I. This I could not accept in the least, being an excessively proud and self-centered individual (I still am, but I hope this lesson in humility has changed this to some degree), so I started to look for a remedy. In retrospect, this seems so absurdly stupid, since my measurements actually were 7.1 X 5.5, and surely sufficient to please anyone but the most avid size-queen.
Anyway, I stumbled upon Thunder’s Place. I began a somewhat irregular jelqing routine, which also incorporated kegels. I’m not really sure at which erection level I was working - I always tried to get a decent, somewhat uncomfortable expansion which resulted in a certain degree of soreness afterwards, but I doubt that I was often near a full erection (those are anyhow difficult to maintain without being the least bit aroused, working your piece in the shower while watching the clock). I saw some changes in libido, and how easily I regained a functional erection after orgasm - but these can probably be attributed to the fact that my anxiety was greatly relieved by knowing that I now soon would sport the greatest unit the love of my life ever had accepted inside. God, as if such a thing really would matter when you look at what really counts. My girth increased marginally, at most to around 5.7 - length might have gone up to 7.2, but I’m not sure.
So, two weeks ago, my problems began. In early january, I had eased off on the routine, but tried a bit of light clamping. This seemed fairly harmless, and since I wasn’t satisfied with my meager girth gains, I planned to incorporate this into a regular routine. But the morning after a manual clamping session, a tiny bit of my foreskin was a bit sore - as if it had been pinced in a fold of a pair of too tight jeans. This didn’t subside for about twelve hours, so I was extremely worried that I had injured myself permanently - as in damaging a nerve, etc. Fortunately, it passed with no further fuss - I had full sensation in my penis (although I managed to make myself think that it’s skin was number than usual, since it wasn’t as sensitive as my fingertips), and nothing seemed out of order. My erections were of the same quality as always, and I’m sure that either I or my girlfriend would have noticed any marked difference. Since then I quit all PE - too afraid to risk any injury, and beginning to realize that I really should be happy with what God gave me.
Two weeks later, the due date for my application for a certain PhD position is approaching rapidly. It’s been set almost a month earlier than I had expected, and since a lot of my future depended upon the completion of this application, I was naturally very stressed. Also unsure of whether I actually wanted to pursue this degree at this time, anxiety levels were high. To relieve tension, I masturbated frequently - about three times a day. One morning, I discovered that my erection wasn’t rock hard - the shaft gave a bit more than usual when compressed, and I completely freaked out. I was certain that the clamping sessions I had attempted earlier (or the infrequent jelqing), had caused me permanent erectile dysfunction. I read a few posts on this forum regarding venous leakage, and was convinced that this was what had befallen me (in spite of me being able to perform perfectly satisfying intercourses, and keeping my erection after orgasm etc). I incessantly palpated my organ in it’s flaccid state, to discern if I was suffering from the often discussed firm flaccid condition, and constantly snuck off into the bathroom to check if I was able to get a satisfying erection. This I of course was not, since the relatively moderat anxiety I had suffered as a consequense of the marginal lack of firmness in my erection (which in turn most likely was caused by general stress and anxiety from my work), now had mutated into sheer terror. I was so extremely afraid - I found myself jerking off in the shower, feeling my heart racing and my head swimming from the worst kind of fear I had ever experienced in my entire life, and obviously not the least bit aroused. In spite of this, I achieved moderate erections, rigid enough for intercourse, which didn’t even begin to subside from lack of stimulation in at least ten-fifteen seconds. Even so, I still assumed that the cause was veinous insufficiency, and not the extreme anxiety I suffered, nor the fact that I had had six orgasms the day before, during my fits of macabre, fearful auto-eroticism, whacking my manhood as if my life depended on it.
I really need to underscore this, no matter how pathetic it might sound - the last week was truly the worst of my entire life so far (I’m 26). I frequently contemplated suicide, and was convinced that the only truly meaningful relationship I had ever partaken in was lost due to my carelessness, pride and vanity. And this was in spite of my relatively satisfying PI’s - I had moderate morning erections, I was able to achieve erections with manual stimulation while not being more than marginally aroused, no pain, no numbness, etc.
After finishing my application, I realized that I probably should let my unit rest, at least for a day. This had been virtually impossible earlier, since I constantly felt complied to check on my penis at least three times a day. This “checking” always resulted in an ejaculation. So for an entire day, I managed not to ejaculate, and only edged instead - four times, around ten minutes each.
The next day, yesterday, I still was very anxious, but it seemed my erections was a bit firmer, and a bit more full. This was probably due to the fact that I for the first time during the entire week felt the least bit aroused (jerking off over the sink in the bathroom, desperately trying to imagine myself in sufficiently erotic situations with my dear soon-to-be-wife). Later that evening, I almost felt relaxed for the first time during this ordeal. My girlfriend snuggled up close to me while we were watching South Park, and I was struck with a raging, rock-hard erection that didn’t subside for ten minutes, even ‘though I concentrated on mundane, totally “unsexy thoughts”. This erection appeared once more, easily, and was so hard and throbbing it was close to painful. As hard as I’ve ever experienced, if not more so. I actually managed to worry about priapism before it subsided - but was at least convinced that I couldn’t possibly suffer from venous leakage.
I want to underscore that this forum should be even more explicit with the potential risks of even the regular, simple PE exercises. If erect jelqing can cause permanent ED in some, it should be extremely clear to anyone reading up on the subject around here.
I also want to thank you all that write here for your work, effort and dedication - and to give my sympathies to those who actually are afflicted by permanent ED. I’ve had a glimpse of what it must be like, and I truly hope that all of you that have written about it here will be able to recover. My prayers are with you.