New one -- hiring PE trainer for motivation

Shit I’m about starting at 5.8 BPEL and a bit under 5 in girth. I’m supposed to have good genetics (was a quick responder to weight lifting and the like, had a good ability to learn most things as a kid, etc). However, when it comes to PE, I just can’t seem to gain a damn thing. I thought I had some really good gains a few days ago after 2-3 days of new/heavy workouts (changed my exercises and everything) but then I took a day off and when I got back into my routine I not only had lost my quick gains, but can’t seem to get any of it back. This has happened time and time again, and I feel like I’m getting nowhere.

I will, therefore, honestly pay anyone here, anywhere in the world $5K cash without any questions asked (no tax withholding) if they can just help me out and be my PE trainer until I hit 7 BPEL. All I need is some regular advice, some confirmation or denial of my theories as to whether I should, for example, actually get off my lazy ass and get some thread (or whatever the fuck) and some starter weights so I can make use of this damn hanger I got sitting in my drawer for a year (Bib, you need to make a damn package that includes all this shit, I’d have seriously paid you over 500 bucks + 10x shipping costs + you fucking name it if you’d just make it easier so I don’t have to feel like a bozo walking around the store & those low-lives trying to figure out where shit is and getting mistreated by racist store clerks who probably struggle for days to make what I do in an hour; seriously, you could just forward half the damn order to Home Depot and keep the change and I’d have been so much better off now.. I hate having to shop at 10 places to get one damn thing done — now I’ll never get to know if your damn hanger works, bloody stores are supposed to be places people actually feel like going to and buying shit.. Not to feel like they’re being exterminated by fat people in some sort of neo-concentration camp</rant>). Anyway, I make serious bank, but get downright neurotic/nervous in public places and ABSOLUTELY HATE going to places like stores where I constantly get mistreated by fat, ugly strangers who are probably just being racist towards me.

As for my training: we can make it fun, should BS about other things once in a while, but I’d report back to you on a daily basis on what I’ve done and you need to be tough (I sometimes get very unmotivated when it comes to this shit and I push them aside in favor of work or some other BS). When I try to BS you, CALL ME OUT ON IT and hold me accountable. Trust me — I get very good with the BSing and I need someone to call me out on it so I don’t relapse. However, one plus is I absolutely never tell a lie. So while I may BS as to why I haven’t done something, I’ll never lie and say I have done it — so as long as you ask direct questions and listen for just the part that has the answer, you can call me out on the rest and I’ll have to amend my ways. The key thing I’m looking for here is the motivation.

Also: when I lose gains, I lose motivation even faster, so you need to have a backup routine that’s TOTALLY different from my current routine (new exercises, weights/reps/duration you name it) for me to try out so I don’t just give up & call it quits for another month. I have a real problem with motivation because I was heavily abused as a kid (burned up bad, scalded, whipped, beaten with a hammer, face busted with metal rods, even poisoned once — long story) it was pretty much only the fear of near, certain & painful death that ever got me to do anything.. Sometimes (after being beaten and burned half to death) even to move, lol.

If you think this job’s a good side one for you, PM me.

You’re getting racist response at 23rd street Home Depot?

Are you a Martian? Half the staff is whatever and the other isn’t. ;)

Modell’s on 33rd & 6th has the weights [get light plates] and home depot is good for heavy washers

Start a thread in the Routines forum; you can update it as often as you like and receive input from more people :up:

20 posts needed before a thread can be started outside of the Newbie forum, but a mod can move it if that’s the way you want to go.

Those joints are crowded though — got a real problem with that. I’m Arab, and hell freezes over before I voluntarily leave my place for anywhere besides work. Half the damn world thinks I did 9/11 or some crap and people just shove me for the fuck of it, or gawk at me and do all sorts of annoying little things out of nowhere. I figure one of these days I’m gonna flip out and kill someone for one of these slights, and imagine it’s the one idiot who wasn’t actually racist but just being a general jerk.

Anyway, that was off-topic again. How about someone buy all the shit I need, box it up and mail it to me or some shit and I’ll pay an extra hundred for the hassle. How’s that sound? I just hate fucking going outside.

Maybe it’s your charming personality?

Yeah right, hold your breath on that box arriving any time soon.

LOL — I’ve alerted the Thunder gods.

See, people like me have got value. It’s not that I’m offering change here and there for services I’d rather not bother with but I’d probably end up being a crash dummy for someone who thinks up a routine only a maniac would actually try.

Think about it, I’d hang 40-50 lbs or whatever the fuck at this point without second thought. I’d clamp for a week straight or sleep with a pump on. If there’s that crazy routine you thought might damage you past the realms of dysfunctional deformation and the eternal point of no return.. Might as well waste it on me. My posts won’t be useless spamvertising for long. Eventually someone’s going to PM me a crazy routine and I’ll be a quick one to try it.. And people here will be the first to hear of it’s results.

But what good will it do you to have a big dick if: “I just hate fucking going outside.” ?

Yeah, now there’s something worth spending some serious money on.

Oh, and regarding the box.. I’ll just order the shit myself online. So that offers no good no more.

One word: outcall.

Jokes aside, it might fix my mentality if I were huge. Not talking just 7 BP here, but I mean huge (10+ range plus crazy girth, which I’m gonna have grafted on via surgery once I’ve got my length). I get the sense that instantaneous gains are proportional to what you’ve got though, and so I think if I had 7 BP.. With my fucking flipped out mentality, I could take that anywhere next.

If I put some effort into this and saw results, I’m sure it’d fix my mentality. The total reason I got flipped out stark raving glad in the first place wasn’t my childhood abuse at all (I was fine after that) but the damn fact that I’ve been doing so much PE for years and years now and haven’t got shit to show for it. Trust me — if you’d been through all I have you wouldn’t sound so charming either.

I doubt that having a big dick is going to fix anything drkegels. What kind of PE have you been doing for “years and years”?

Smart move.

Been doing PE for 5 years now — no joke, started when I was 19. Mostly manual shit, but hundreds of jelqs daily (started at 300 upped to thousand, 3-second reps, added horse holds, etc as time progressed), all the sorts of stretches I could find (every angle and then some, V, A, those 2-second ones by that German dude, etc.. Hit both ligs & tunica pretty hard; to give an idea.. I spend even more time doing stretches than I jelq), etc. Gains to date: nothing noticeable. I was afraid if I give all this information up front vs saying I’m a total newbie, people would figure I’m a hard gainer and just wouldn’t bother giving any more advice at all. I’m just another doomed case..

BTW, thanks for your sudden interest. Any novel advice you could give (new exercises, new devices I should look into trying) would be welcome. I’m convinced this will eventually work, and I’m a more than eager crash dummy now.

By the way, if I may ask so kindly: How the fuck do you know that? You’re not me. What if I was completely certain it would?

Yeah, calm down, start the newbie routine, stick to it as written, stay consistent and be patient.