My Life & Confidence on a String - Rant, Journal, & Log -
It’s a very long read but I’ve put a lot of effort into it to make it compelling and consistent from start to finish. It would be very much appreciated if you even skim over some of what I wrote.
It’s been a while since I’ve been on TP. And when I mean a while I mean a year or two. Ah, god. How I really hate myself right now.. I apologize in advance if I start ranting and make no sense, but this journal/log is to not only help me keep track of my progress, but vent out some of the frustration I have - to free myself of the burden of these anxieties and insecurities I have.
Again, I have been a member on here for a while. I began PE back in early 2010 I believe. My signature should confirm it. It’s probably the only record I have of it on this site. Of course, I was excited when I first heard about PE and the many success stories people have had such as Bib and many others on the board. So of course, I tried PE. Read the newbie routine, looked up the videos on how to jelq and hang, and then went to the washroom. First session was pretty difficult. Seems a lot of newbies starting out had trouble keeping it up. I had trouble keeping it down. But of course over time I learned to keep my erection to a minimum level. So days pass, weeks pass, but months do not. Why? I stopped short of just one month. I don’t know why I even gave up. I can’t remember. Looking back, I think I must’ve been too eager for quick results and didn’t see any of it and thus stopped. It was either that or my inability to keep a strict routine going for long periods of time. I think it was the combination of both actually. I think this would be a good time to tell you guys more about myself, emotionally and physically.
I’m a 21 year old skinny Asian male, still a virgin, and I started off with what I believe to be a small penis - 4.9” BPEL. I also have a condition called phimosis which is basically where I can’t retract the foreskin on the penis because the opening is too tight. Now, this didn’t present any serious issues regarding urination but it made masturbating hurt sometimes. I would tear the skin when I masturbated too rough and the days required to heal the skin were one of the hardest of my life. Being a university student wasn’t help me out with the problem either since walking made it so painful. But of course, I had to deal with it. I tried creams that were recommended by people to cure phimosis, but I gave up because I wasn’t consistent enough. I then decided some time later it wasn’t worth it anyway because even if I cured it, I would have a serious turtle neck regardless. I pondered whether circumcision would be a good idea for a very long time and I’m positive about doing it. The only problem that exists is when I can get the time to do it, where to get it done, who to speak to for an appointment, and how I will fund this surgery. It’s one of the main situations I am trying to face upfront.
I’ve been trying to pack on some weight since I’m really skinny. Being only 5’8” and weighing 125 lbs is embarrassing. Even though many Asian guys get portrayed as these asexual beings (which I talk about in the following paragraph), the majority of Asians I’ve seen around my area are actually pretty fucking chiseled or at least at a decent weight - they had good looking bodies that screamed masculinity. Now, this is also the reason for my insecurities. I’ve managed to carry myself as confident despite my weight but that’s only in non-sexual circumstances. I can no way ever see myself get sexual with a girl with my body. Most women would feel insecure themselves if they stood right beside me since I’d probably make them feel fat.
Now going back to my 4.9” penis, I hate it. I hate it so much more because I’m Asian and Asians get portrayed in American media as these asexual human beings with small penises. Now, the stereotype about us being asexual have died down in the recent years thanks to social media and more global connectivity/diversification in the world, but you still hear people say Asians have small penis. It just tears me inside because although I consider myself attractive, I’m so insecure about approaching women sexually because of my penis. I don’t simply fear people making fun of me because I have a small penis.. I fear them making fun of me because I fit the stereotype of the Asian male with a small penis. I hate it so much. I am such a confident person when I speak casually but when it becomes intimate/sexual, I turn into a mouse fearing everything; making sure my words don’t infer that I’m trying to make sexual advances. Because what then? If I were to escalate it to the point of sex, women will laugh at me and go “oh of course I should’ve known you had a small dick, you’re Asian!” That not only hurts my pride in a personal way, but it hurts my pride about who I am ethnically. I just don’t have the guts to just say fuck it and have sex without caring what others think. My personality has always been that way. I want to go to clubs and bars and talk to girls without any constraints. I want my personality to become sexual attraction and I want to be able to follow through on sexual advances. It kills me having to cut things short with a girl just because I pussied out.
Now, forgive me if this seems off-topic or to be useless information but I personally think it will give you guys a different outlook on a variety of reasons PE might not be working for you and perhaps open your mind to find out ways to target the issues that are hindering your gains and ultimately your goals. I was raised up in a very rough neighbourhood. Of course it would usually be the case considering I’m a child of immigrant parents from Canada. My parents weren’t privileged back at home, and now here they are in a foreign world trying to survive without any education. I’ve accepted it. I don’t hate my childhood or at least I don’t regret being raised up in such an environment. I’m actually grateful because I met a lot of wonderful people of different cultures and backgrounds and I’ve also become more humble due to it. But man, even though a lot of people have good hearts, we just get sucked up in this cloud of evil and act without care of the consequences. It was only until later on in my life that I cleaned up much of my act, but the damage has been done. It’s been such an emotional roller coaster for me growing up that I’ve become somewhat of a wreck emotionally. It’s so hard for me to just concentrate on one thing because I’m so used to constantly move about, having to do new things, talk to new people, etc.
It really blows my mind sometimes how I’m capable of even find time to do things such as write/type. Reading and listening is way worse. It’s really hard to follow conversations verbally if it continues on for more than 30 seconds. And I’m talking mostly about conversations that involve someone retelling an event or a story. I can’t remember the first 10-20 seconds of the conversation at all. That’s how shit my memory is. It’s strange how the brain works cause I do have memories I seem to keep locked up forever in the back of my brain. But like I said, for the most part I can’t sit down long enough to listen. Matter of fact, I can’t even sit down long enough to finish tasks that require me to be fixated on or seated in one spot. I pretty much have ADHD. I’ve not been professionally identified as one but I just know I have it. I’ve done many of the online tests available and read about the symptoms and it all points to me having moderate to severe ADHD. I’m probably going to see a physician to confirm for sure and possibly get help for it, but for now it’s what I’m living with.
It makes it so hard to PE like I’ve said before. I can’t be consistent enough to continue doing it for months. The only time I’ve done it was during the end of 2011. I believe it was in August/September where I worked really hard mentally just to PE consistently for a month. At the end of it, I gained .3” which really made me happy because now I could consider myself part of the 5” club (even though the measurement was based on BPEL). I was so damn excited and for the first time since my PEing started in 2010 I was able to say PE worked. Goddamn I was so happy. So I continued for a few days.. But then I stopped. This time it was because of external factors in my life. I had a lot of personal issues to deal with and that really cut the time available for myself. I just couldn’t do it. It makes me mad now because it seems like I had no real good reason for stopping PE back then. But I can’t blame myself for having felt tremendous pressure back then. Not good for an unstable mind.
So fast forward to the present. The time spent in between then and the time now fell into a sine wave-like pattern. I could go on about each individual thing that happened but you guys already got the message - I’ve had ups and downs. But you know what? I want to change that right now.
I am talking to this wonderful girl and I really really want to be with her. But I don’t want to show her my pathetic self. I want to show her the confident man that I’ve always envisioned I could be, but never could truly. I know I have it in me, but these insecurities have got a hold on me and my the emotional part of my personality just won’t let me shake it off until the source of those insecurities are “fixed”. So that is why I am beginning to PE again and hit the gym. If I hate something about myself but have the power to change it for the better, why wouldn’t I? There’s no good excuse not to. All it takes is dedication and perseverance no matter what you struggle with. I’m going to PE and go to the gym religiously. I’ll fix my diet and cut out unproductive hobbies. I know I can do this. I mean, I can’t fall back. It’s either remain at a standstill or move forward. I’ve been doing the former for the majority of my life; I think it’s time to try the latter.
I will be updating this thread whenever I can. Whenever that may be, I don’t know but I will definitely do it when I get the chance. I really hope this thread fits within the guidelines. I tried to keep it related to PE as much as I could but I really want to share my background with everyone so they could take a unique perspective into account when they read my journal.
Thanks for all those who read,
January 10, 2010 -- BPEL: 4.90" - EG: 5.00" - BPFL: 2.00"
September 10, 2011 -- BPEL: 5.20" - EG: ?" - BPFL: ?
April 23, 2014 -- BPEL: 5.50" - EG: ? - BPFL: ?