My Confession

That last sentence is really substantial and fundamentally true. It is the sort of thing that should be re-read once a week (or even once a day)

Mark,

I do have a lot of stress! I’ve had PTSD most of my life from (4) seperate incidences. I never had any counseling until I ended up in the hospital ER as I had lost ALL my emotions and was headed down the path of the homeless. Thank God my wife found me and intervened. Dealing with the PTSD and my Liver being about 80% plugged, I tell myself I’m the lucky one. I’m alive! We have a slogan on our bathroom mirror that reminds me to be thankful. Another beautiful day. I know I have to focus to keep an erection. Physical stimulation is not the turn on it was in the younger days. I could try to stimulate my dick for an hour to no avail. I visualize fucking a pussy and it will respond fairly quickly. And then when I get near my naked wife it’s like an immediate hard-on. So it has to be in my head. I am going to have to find more time to edge so I do better. Thanks guys! :)

Yes and no.

The problem is that your mind is already focused. It’s focused on your worries. As you begin to let go of them, your cock will naturally respond better. So in the early stages people in your situation find that they can get somewhere by being more focused on the task at hand than their worries. However, this takes a lot of energy. It is pitting the force of your worries against the force of your desire to achieve the objective.

Guess who supplies the power to both? You do.

You know that whatever you may have been through is not happening now. It only lives on in your mind. Ultimately it is an illusion that troubles you. When you battle to keep focused during sex, there is also the keeping alive of your worries by your mind. If you could cut off the energy that sustains the anxieties, there would be no bedside battle.

So the solution, if you want to take this path is to seek total relaxation at all times. Peace will flood into all areas of your life. Your present method is noble, and we have all tried it. But you are actually fighting against yourself. The smart move is to renounce the battle and let your worries die for lack of sustenance.

Does any of this make sense? Maybe I have finally lost my mind :D

I think what you are saying is that the Wise mind has to take more control of the Emotional mind. As we were taught in treating depression 101.

And yes it makes sense.

And many times I have thought I am losing my mind.

And many times wish I could lose my mind.

I think my biggest emotional mind problem is that I feel that my hepatic encephalopathy is stealing my mind and will steal my life.

My behavior fits the symptoms to a “T”.

I will try! Thanks Mark and all for the support! :( will be :)

Not quite. I was talking of the opposite of control. I was suggesting that some people reach a point where they can just let go of stress, of past worries and be free, totally free of all baggage.

At bottom, it’s as if in order to worry or obsess, there is a cheerleader in the mind psyching us up to do it; to go round the loop one more time. And the truth is we don’t have to go round the loop if we don’t want to. We can, bit by bit (or all at once) give up the struggle, and therefore the struggle against struggle.

What I am saying is that the label PTSD tells me that your mind is colouring every experience you have with *extra* content. And this extra content is not real. It’s illusion. In fact this happens to every one of us. It’s just that in your case it is so strong that you can see it. Most people will never see it. Until there is a crisis they will not see it.

So I’m not saying control anything. I’m suggesting that you carry on exactly as you are doing but with one additional item on the agenda. Relaxation. Peace. Love. OK, I know that’s 3 things, but who’s counting?

So imagine what happens to a hot air balloon if you let the air out. It’s going nowhere! Same thing with us. If we for once and for all commit to let the stress out of our system, gradually we find our worries just can’t get off the ground. They collapse under their own weight and return to Source.

I’m happy to explain further if it’s still sounding vague :)

I think I get it. When we start a sex session you have to empty your head and go with the flow. Float along on the emotion and feelings. Don’t keep any other thoughts or feelings in your head. Maybe that’s what happens when we have these great sessions. We’re focusing on the sex and not letting anthing else in. I will try to keep my shit in my head from interfering with relaxing and practicing the art of making love.

Meanwhile I’m also setting up an appointment with my GI to see where my liver function is at and my blood amonia levels. It seems like my encepholapathy is getting worse. (I show most of the symptoms where I used to have a few) My EQ was great this morning, I had a good PE workout and my head/mind seems less euphoric.

You are getting warmer :)

But still, there is a further subtlty to this.

Imagine you had no PTSD, not thoughts no nothing. So while having sex, there would just be fucking, fucking fucking. The reality of fucking fucking fucking would fill your whole awareness up. So you would not have to focus on anything to keep it up, because you would find yourself in a highly concentrated state - by default.

No if we turn and look at your current experience: Part of your mind is on anxiety. So you are counteracting that by focusing on sexy things.

Cool. So I am saying carry on doing exactly that for as long as you need to. Make no changes. BUT in your day to day life, find out all you can about relaxation. This might include going for walk in nature, eating health foods, cutting down on junk food, especially sugar. Let the love that is all about you - that is your true Self - nourish you from the inside out.

If you make a commitment to become this, one day you will notice that your anxieties will start to lose their grip, and eventually, there will be more and more sex session where you do not have to focus on sexy thoughts, you will just be lost in the experience of fucking, fucking, fucking.

Obviously, what I am speaking of goes beyond sex. But sex is as good a place as any to start.

I think marky777 is on to something.

My best sex (and masturbation) experiences occur when I let go and go into a trance. I can go for hours when that happens. All I am aware of are the feelings associated with sex. My body goes into auto-pilot.

I’m not an expert on always getting this to happen during sex. But I’m trying to improve in this respect now. I’ve started practising Taoist meditation, so I can get myself to a point when I can more readily clear my mind when needed.

Part of the problem with ED is that it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. You get so worried about your ED that it makes your ED worse, then you get more worried. So start by freeing your mind of your worries and concerns, let go, and just experience the experience.

Mark
I think my diet is pretty good. I’ losing weight and working out at the gym and at home. (lost almost 20 lbs in the last year and continue to go down a lb. or so a week. I’m going from 210 to 170 for my goal.) I seldom eat junk food except with wifey. She needs to get better at helping me with this. Her diet sucks. I take multi vitamins/she does not. I take supplements/she does not. She is still eating full sized restaraunt portions where I eat about half and take the rest home for another meal. I eat fruit daily and try to get more veggies in the meals w/less starches. I used to be vegetarian until my doctor insisted I eat meat for complete proteins. I disagree with him on that one.

The mind part is the big one and I do understand! Purge all else so you are in a zone. Focused on nothing but the moment and not having anything else enter your mind. Our Korean Taekwondo Master Chung used to make us meditate and bring ourself to a balance of ying and yang. Then you could focus.

You are right in that the best fucking was when we both were not thinking of anything else. We were above having to think about pleasing each other and it was supreme fucking that ended with orgasmic overflow of liquids, feelings, and emotions.

Cool.

And the way to move towards that is to simplify your life and make everything an opportunity for deep rest. Your mind longs to rest. If you commit to that, it will come :)

I have been meditating for 34 years. The first 30, I did not know what I was doing :D I’m just now getting an inkling what it’s all about. The purpose of meditation is to still the mind until it becomes like a ripple-less lake. This can not be done by force. You can’t “still” the mind. The stillness is arrived at by effortless meditation.

When the mind is still, all that’s left is your naturalness, and this naturalness will permeate everything you do.

But there is a short-cut to this state. I have found that if during the day, before every decision I make, if I ask myself: “Will this action I am about to undertake, add or subtract to my peacefulness?” and I keep choosing wherever possible the most peaceful option, the mind settles down day by day, all by itself.

It takes skill to do this while holding down a job. Perhaps that is why I’m self-employed!

I guess I had forgot about the old meditation stuff. It was important to me 20 years ago and in college back in the 70’s. I will try some of the old simple transcendental stuff I learned. It is soothing to the mind. Maybe I can find some healing there. Thanks guys! :)

Taxie Cab Confessions

Sorry! Sounds like a soap opera I suppose.

I’m self-employed also. But I fear that if I ask myself that before I make a decision, I would never get anything done. It’s interesting though. I’m going to see how I can apply that. Thanks.