At a loss
Hi, I’m new here and I am yet to begin PE as I am still researching it and wanna know what I am doing before I begin, as well I am a terrible procrastinator. Why am I posting? Well lets see, since I was in 6th grade I have always thought my package was small.. Then, I thought I was just waiting for puberty to hit. Now, at age 18 I don’t know what to do. I noticed most people find their way onto this site because of insecurity in their penis size, but I have another issue. My testicles are barely an inch in radius each, they are tiny and it has been dramatizing to my life. I know “you don’t have sex with your balls” but sex and relationships are just a small factor of it. A little story to understand my situation:
I used to play youth football, it was about 8th grade and as everybody knows you have to do a physical to be able to play. It would be no biggie, everybody has to do it and I would care less if it wasn’t for my lack of manhood that makes me dread these moments. It is the only time another person gets to see how small my package is and I talk about it to no one. To say the least, I am always nervous for it. Now, normally the pediatrician does the physical but he was busy and I so fortunately had a female nurse to do it instead. Great, if I’m not insecure enough now this. So after the regular checkup we finally get to the infamous cough test. I drop my pants and I a remember this so vividly, she looks down and then looks into my eyes. My stomach is in the floor and I could read exactly what she was thinking and I could tell she was straining to hold it back. Finally we finish the cough test (by the way I was like 12 or something and my dad was in the room though I had my back turned to him) and without saying anything she turns to the door and starts to walk out. As she is leaving I see this huge grin on her face and It was obvious she was holding back laughing hysterically. That shame and embarrassment I felt was by far the absolute worst thing I have ever experienced. I knew she only left because she didn’t want to laugh in my face. All I could think about was her going out there and telling all the other people in the doctors office how small my package was. So, she comes back and finishes the physical, I am probably bright red in the face and completely shut down, I can’t say anything.
Fast forward to now, my confidence is “secretly” about as low as it could possible be because I try my best to hide it from people. Now I have had sex a couple of times but only one night stand type flings. I am not comfortable letting a girl see my penis unless it is erect. I feel like I know how to attract women but I’m to insecure to allow myself to connect with a girl. If they like me I push them away and don’t realize it until it’s to late or only like girls I can’t have. I think I do this because I am scared to be open with anybody, and I have never been able to allow myself to trust anybody, not even my family and it hurts because I feel like it’s for such a stupid reason.
In my mind if I didn’t have to deal with this problem I could live such a more enjoyable life and be comfortable with my body and be so much more proactive in creating the life I want to live. As well, my penis is barely bigger than 5 inches and girth about 4.8 inches. Not to impressive (though I plan on working on that) but it wouldn’t even bother me nearly as much as it does if my testicles were bigger. I can’t explain it but it’s hard to be confident when it seems like there is absolutely no bulge in whatever I wear and it’s keep me from doing activities I would enjoy when I also feel like it would just show how small my package is. I feel like there is some many things I am missing out on in life because of this and I am to the point of going crazy I just don’t know what to do. I don’t ever want to feel as embarrassed as I did at the doctors office ever again.
I know I just wrote a lot but I have never talked about this to anyone anywhere ever before and it keeps building up. So, even if you have nothing to say and for the 99% who don’t have to go through this, it’s nearly impossible to understand, believe me it means so much just to be able to finally get this off my chest. I am glad I found this website.
Oh and from what I have read I guess I am pretty much stuck with them right? I heard about surgery but I also hear that it is very risky.. This was hard for me to say so any comments or suggestions on how I can get over this and move on would be very appreciated.