30 and still not penetrated a woman - complete failure

I haven’t been on here for a long time but a familiar problem has been on my mind again.

I’m 30 now and although I’ve had relationships in the past with women, I’m still yet to successfully penetrate a woman. I’ve done other stuff like mutual masturbation, received handjobs, frottage (naked rubbing) but I have never gone all the way. This has caused me much distress and trauma. Without boring you with all the details my main concern right now is that I’ve noticed for a long time I cannot stay hard WITHOUT touching my penis for stimulation. In other words, I have to constantly touch my penis in order to stay excited and reasonably hard. Now this is all in reference to masturbation. I have not been with a woman in a physical sense since my last gf, the relationship which ended back earlier last year (it was horrific, she was a horrible person and treated me like utter crap, cheating on me and disrespecting me in so many ways and without getting into the details here I’m sure it is one reason why I failed to penetrate the few times we did try and have sex).

So, when I masturbate daily to porn (nearly always softcore only), I notice in order for me to stay reasonably hard I need to keep touching it whilst looking at some stimulating video/pictures. The moment I let go of my penis, it starts getting soft rather quickly. Why is this? I’m worried because I know this should not be happening, right? Should you need CONSTANT stimulation to stay hard? Surely a man like myself (I don’t drink, smoke, take drugs, I’m in decent shape, no health issues) should be able to maintain an erection? I realise daily masturbation may not be helping but this is a habit I’ve had for many years now and so it’s hard to suddenly stop. Earlier last month I did infact stop for 8 days (no masturbation and no porn), I noticed very little difference at all but maybe that’s not long enough to really change things up.

The larger issue in all of this is being a technical virgin at my age has really affected my self esteem now. Even though I am a decent looking guy who is outgoing and friendly, I know this issue simply does not go away. I am constantly plagued by the thought that I still have not penetrated a woman. This leaves me feeling extremely depressed to the point where I wish I was never born. The few times I did try, I failed. I feel like this has to be greatest failure of a man. There is surely nothing worse than failing to even get it inside.

Everyone will tell you to stop watching porn.

Try edging.

You’re in a country with easy access to legal prostitution. If your lack of penetrative sex is bothering you, then it might be worth considering visiting Potsdamer Strasse, the Reeperbahn or wherever is close to you, just to get over that hurdle.

I should have mentioned that I do notice getting erections without touching myself for example when I’m thinking of something in the past that turns me on. Also I do get morning erections (not everyday but def have got them recently). So I don’t know. However what bothers me is maintaining them. How are erections maintained? Do you need constant stimulation the entire time? Once you stop thinking sexual thoughts or seeing something that turns you on would your erection subside as a result? E.g say you’re about to get it on with your partner and you’re hard and ready to go but then she leaves the room to get some condoms.. How would you remain hard in that situation? Should it be normal that you would remain hard without having to see or think about anything sexual?

I did go and see the doctor about this back in bloody April and they said they’ll refer me to a specialist to which I insisted.. Never heard back. But that’s typical, they don’t give a crap about these sorts of issues. So I will go back on Monday and try again.

When you are past 40yo it’s pretty common that the erection subsides without some stimulation. If you look at something somewhat boring (like a porn video when you have already seen millions of them) then it’s also common the there erection isn’t that easy to mantain. Being in a real situation is completely different; but if you have the thought that you are going to lose the erection, likely this will happens. Do you see the problem? You don’t have any physical issue IMHO, just should gain faith in your sexual ability, in a way or the other.

A lot of times pornography is put on a sort of pedestal for its ability to give instant arousal with little actual effort. The one major down side of it is that after years of repetition your mind becomes desensitized, not only to pornography, but to actual in person sexual encounters as well. I read about a study conducted on men who frequently watched pornography and they found that their libidos were not as responsive to sexual stimulus. Not being able to have an erection is understandable because your mind is so used to pornography it has become common place. Our bodies are amazing in the way that they adapt to their surroundings and the forces that work on them. Now the same ability to adapt that has made your sex life more difficult will improve your sexual ability. Through PE your sexual problem will be solved solely due to the nature of the exercises. They place a new norm that your body must adapt to and with time and consistency you will see changes. Bigger Erections, Harder Erections, Improved Stamina, More frequent erections. Another factor that could be impeding your erections is the mental and emotional pressure you put on yourself to achieve one. Arousal is a natural process and a direct function of the parasympathetic nervous system (responsible for relaxing, slowed heart rate, deeper breathing, and other factors that contribute to being in a relaxed state). By worrying you activate the sympathetic system responsible for the complete opposite, increased heart rate, fast shallow breathing, among other attributes which bring the body to an excited state. So to wrap things up, believe in the exercises because they work, stay consistent so you can achieve gains, and instead of worrying have fun.

Daily porn, I won’t preach but that really needs to be cut back, I have cut back and it does help. Think about fantasies or past sexual/erotic encounters, or even a porn scene from a few days ago. I might be alone when I say this but I think its a negative thing to watch porn whilst doing PE, you can jelq fine with a semi anyway.

Earlier today ok, I got reasonably hard without really touching myself (I was thinking about something sexy) this went on for say about 2 minutes but then as I soon as I started watching CNN, I was soft again within like 30 seconds. So it seems like I constantly need sexual stimuli in order to stay physically hard down there. This is really worrying. Should it not have stayed hard for longer than 2 minutes once I got hard, EVEN if I ended up doing something non-sexual? That’s what I’m confused about.

.Id say thats completely normal. The only time my erection lasts that long withoit visual/physical/mental stimulation is if I ejeculate after edging or finish a clamping session with some erect jelqs

I mean you are thirty. You are still young but you aren’t a teenager. Do some cardio and take some citrulline or if you want a quicker solution take viagra, etc. You’ll lose the virginity eventually. Ask your friends if they know any women who are single.

You’re overthinking your erections and causing yourself undeserved grief. I know I can’t keep an erection to CNN either. If you’re worried that you’re not as easily erect as when you were 20, then welcome to the club. Just wait until you’re 40. This is entirely normal… but something that can be improved with proper PE!

As for remaining a virgin, you really have to decide how important this is for you and then develop a plan. It sounds like a real sex therapist might be the best bet for you since it may be effecting your self-esteem and relationships. If you won’t go to a real professional, then the working girls are a sure way to break the ice. I would quit masturbating/watching porn all together. After a few days/weeks you should be raring to break through your inhibitions. If you’re willing to open Pandora’s Box, the FKKs in Germany are supposed to be tremendous but may to too much for a newbie. The stay all day environment allows you to go in with one girl (and if you have problems penetrating) you can stay and try again and again and again.

There’s no need for porn if you already have a girlfriend. I would quit it at once and start focusing on her instead. Everything will then fall into place.

I hate to say it because it sounds kinda bad, but I agree with Memento. Go get yourself a prostitute that will work with you, penetrate her, get your dick wet, and get over the anxiety by getting it over and done with. This was how I did it, and I’ll go ahead and say I did have some regrets doing it this way but it really did work to help me get over that mental block with penetration and sex. If nothing else has worked and you don’t want to waste a whole bunch of money on a sex therapist you can do this. Or go get yourself a girlfriend, be honest with you about your hangup when things start getting serious and she may be more than willing to put it in for you and show you there’s nothing to worry about.

Yes obviously my aim is to find the right person and then work from there. That of course is the ideal situation. Sadly though I am not there yet so will just keep trying. It’s not easy as you get older. I am trying my luck again on some dating site because I haven’t been meeting enough women in general.

ALSO I should also mention some other key factors - I’ve been brought up a Christian and have been wrapped up in standing firm to not having sex before marriage which naturally has caused me such agony and has left me in this constant dilemma for years.. But that’s a whole other story for another thread. I also suffer from depression and have been depressed I reckon nearly all my life. I have always had a low mood, am negative and generally hate life, and this issue obviously is part of the problem and vice versa if that all makes sense.

So yeah lots of issues.. I wish there was an easy answer but I know there isn’t it. I am trying to do what I can so far.