I hope my questions didn’t seem insensitive or prying. I didn’t mean to be. The word I would use to describe my thoughts after reading your post is bittersweet. I’m glad you can still love your wife. I also hope she knows your value ;)
Thanks Rita; it actually helps me to talk about things here in the forum, it makes me feel better and allows ne to sort thru my feelings. I do not have any other outlet … everyone I know where live and work also knows my wife, so it would be pretty awkward sharing these things otherwise. Its sort of funny, I joined this forum to try lto see if I could learn things that might make get my wife more interested in sex, but what I found was group therapy!
I can only postulate that if we had not had children, we probably would have parted a long time ago, we don’t seem to have a lot in common anymore other than the kids. Sometimes thats the way it goes.
[QUOTE=Kawaihae] it actually helps me to talk about things here in the forum, it makes me feel better and allows ne to sort thru my feelings. I do not have any other outlet … everyone I know where live and work also knows my wife, so it would be pretty awkward sharing these things otherwise. Its sort of funny, I joined this forum to try lto see if I could learn things that might make get my wife more interested in sex, but what I found was group therapy!
I’m glad, K.
Does your wife know about your peing?
Oh heck no. I could just imgine the laughter, she’d be rolling on the floor if she saw me doing that. It would not be good, she would be makng sarcastic comments for months afterward. And I’d never tell her, she would say that I finally lost the last of my mind. I do it mainly out of curiosity to see if I actually get results, sort of an experiment. At the very minimum I think it could help prevent erectile dysfunction as I age, but I don’t think my having a bigger penis would make any difference in our sex life, and even if I gained several inches, I don’t think she would actually notice. I once shaved all the hair off my body to see if she noticed, she commented on my head but never noticed anything else!
I can’t imagine being able to do something as extensive as peing without it being known to your mate. Do you think that’s the majority of the cases here on T’s? It kind of seems so.
Your story is extremely similar to mine. In fact I informed my wife tonight that we only made love once in the past four weeks. Her reply was “many women don’t have a sex drive.” My wife has NEVER had a libido. I knew this when I married her. I figured I could live with it since I loved her so much. After being with her for almost 15 years and two kids later, I am starting to become resentful and restless.
Well I guess I’m not as dedicated as the other guys, no more than 15 minutes in the shower, when I remember. I guess I won’t be a big gainer :) But then I don’t have any goals in mind either. I’d love to have a partner that would be open to it, it would be more fun, but that’s just not the reality of my life. I’d also like a million bucks in the bank.
As long as everybody else is butting in, I hope you won’t mind if I do too :) . Here are my half-baked and half-assed ideas:
You believe your wife would be gleeful and triumpherous to learn about your insecurity and weakness (by learning about your PE). I read from this rivalry and competition, with a dash of revenge.
(Enter Dr. Phil) What role have you played in creating this environment?
Rather than each of you appreciating what the other has to offer, you guys seem to be keeping score of your own individual contributions and competing to see who wins. You’re racking up points professionally, and she’s doing the same domestically.
Spousal competition can be very fun and satisfying. However, it is not conducive to multiple orgasms, and anal sex is out of the question.
My half-assed advice is for you to do whatever you can to promote her achievements and interests. Take pride in them. Encourage her development away from you. You guys are constantly together. That’s not sexy.
Either that, or learn to compete sexually. Every night, you can have another rematch to see who’s the better lover.
Meat Puppet: We’re in the same boat, some people are just on the bottom of the scale when it comes to libido, and you and I found two of them. We both knew it and married them anyway. Life is full of compromises.
MM: “Gleeful” is not the word that comes to my mind in describing her reaction to finding out about pe. Repulsed would be more accurate. I appreciate your input and advise. I am sure that I have helped create and perpetuate our problems. I am so sensitive to her lack of libido that even though I may be interested in sex every night, I won’t touch her out of fear of being rejected yet again, or worse yet, having sex with someone who would rather be sleeping. That’s how we usually end up going without sex for months, until I can’t stand it any longer.
MM kinda hit a nerve so please indulge my suggesting a different tact - maybe you are too close because you share an office and work together. Question - who’s the boss in the office - do you compete against one another there? Does there exist any resentment (perhaps quite hidden and/or deep seated) because of the office/work/role dynamic?
The reason I ask is that some couples can work side-by-side and do great but one person is dominant and calls the shots or makes the tough decisions but generally after deep consultation with the partner. Yet again, some couples have great difficulty in sharing work space especially if there is no clear leadership established by either partner or, worse yet, they both compete for control.
Just a thought,
I heard a saying about 20 years ago that has stuck with me all this time. It is applicable to so many situations which is why I remember it so well:
“Does the pain exceed the pleasure?”
Answer that question truthfully and you will have your answer. Only you can determine what is right for you. Good luck.
Move a little closer, Honey.
I've got a big prick for you.
PEr’s & Ladies,
I guess I am pretty much a romantic at heart and I think the wife is too. So, one instance of a “biggy” that comes to mind occurred a few years ago that is smack in the “do something nice” category (at least I hope it is).
The wife teaches kindergarten. She had been having a nasty year with 50 % of her class of 20 kids disfunctional. Also, she had been dieting to lose a couple of extra pounds.
So, just before spring break I surprised her with cruise tickets for 8 days aboard the Carnival Destiny in the Caribbean and, I handed her my charge card after surprising the hell out of her with the tickets with instructions to “go buy something new and nice to show off your gorgeous figure” for the cruise. She, aided and abetted by our daughter, went nuts on a huge shopping trip and had a ball. Women love to shop (me, if I can’t find it on the internet, it doesn’t exist).
Anyway, we had a wonderful time on the cruise - taking the tours, seeing the sights, enjoying the shows . . . and, it gets better . . .
I snuck a bottle of jasmine scented massage oil in my bag along with a set of 10 miniature candles. Next to the last evening on board she was shopping and I sneaked back to the cabin and set everything up - candles, soft music, warm massage oil - the works. When she got back, boy was she surprised. I proceded to strip us both and gave her a long, sensuous, total body massage. I had to work a little to convince her to go along with my ploy as she is a bit shy and self conscious - but, once I got her on the bed and into it she went a little crazy. Talk about erotic - and talk about connecting with your lady in a totally deep and incredible way - just touch her all over but no genital sex till the very end - this is foreplay par excellance. The smell of her excitement nearly put me over the edge several times as well as the moans and little murmurs during the massage. I know I will never forget those precious couple of hours - neither will she.
MrTips is awesome!!
Originally Posted by Kawaihae
some people are just on the bottom of the scale when it comes to libido, and you and I found two of them. We both knew it and married them anyway. Life is full of compromises.
You guys can include my wife in the low libido league.
I am so sensitive to her lack of libido that even though I may be interested in sex every night, I won’t touch her out of fear of being rejected yet again, or worse yet, having sex with someone who would rather be sleeping. That’s how we usually end up going without sex for months, until I can’t stand it any longer.
This is exactly my situation. I believe that low libido is only part of the problem with my wife. Perhaps it’s that way with yours, as well. Even someone with low libido can take pleasure in pleasing her partner. Why doesn’t she?
I think MrTips and I are barking up the same tree, although MrTips is being much more tactful.
I have this image of you as the brilliant, successful professional, with your wife working by your side in a relatively degraded support role, resenting you more and more each day. Because she feels she’s not as good as you (reinforced by your relative importance in the workplace), she’s become defensive and is actually looking for opportunities to put you down.
There’s also an issue of control. If you are the dominant party professionally, she has less control, less income, etc. She’s dependent on you, and you have become her lifeline. But she resents it. One thing she still can control is her body, and, via her body, she manages to maintain some control over you.
I may be way off base, but that’s my half-assed and half baked impression, offered free of charge and worth every penny.
Boy you guys and gals could go into business as counsellors/therapists. :) I really appreciate you concern and advice.
Vegas Guy: <<”Does the pain exceed the pleasure?” Answer that question truthfully and you will have your answer. Only you can determine what is right for you. >> After 20 years, we’re still together. I think that says a lot, there is much more to our relationship than sex. A long history, 2 beautiful children.
Mr Tips: <<some couples can work side-by-side and do great but one person is dominant and calls the shots or makes the tough decisions but generally after deep consultation with the partner. Yet again, some couples have great difficulty in sharing work space especially if there is no clear leadership established by either partner or, worse yet, they both compete for control.>> You may have struck some gold here; we seem to work pretty well together. Neither of us fight for control, and maybe that could be an issue. I think I would prefer if she did take more control of the business. I have tried to get her more involved, but unfortunately she has always refused. She says she doesn’t have time to run the business and take care of kids. I think I resent shouldering all of the business responsibility, then hearing complaints that I don’t have time to participate with all the family activities.
MM: <<I have this image of you as the brilliant, successful professional, with your wife working by your side in a relatively degraded support role.>> Thanks for the compliment, but I’m certainly not brilliant, just a regular guy. My wife and I are partners professionally, and if anything, I believe she is more respected than I. She and I both know that’s a fact, and I am quite comfortable with it.
You all have given me a lot to think about. She may have an intrinsic low libido, but how I have responded to that and other issues probably hesn’t hhelped things.