Situation With GF
I apologize in advance for the length of this post.
I’ve been with my girl for about two years now. We’ve broken up and gotten back together many times in the past (with me doing all the breaking). We started talking again recently and went for a drink…which we ended up having at her place. You know the rest….
Afterwards, she’s like, “I’m so glad we’re back together”. I’m thinkin’, “We are?” So we fuck once after not seeing each other for like three months, and all of a sudden we’re “back together”? I know she loves me, and I’ve never been loved as hard as this girl loves me. I love her too, but I’m not wildly, madly in love like I was in the beginning. She’s almost ten years older than me, she wants different things… like for me to move in with her and “taking it to the next level” and all that stuff. I said I liked things the way they are now (then)… but she didn’t want to be in a “state of perpetual dating”.
So anyway… we’re “back together” now. This girl has a hold on me like no other girl I’ve ever known, but if I’m with her too long, I feel like I gotta get away, but when she’s gone for good, I pine for her. Any other chick I meet in between just doesn’t do it for me like my girlfriend does, which is why I keep falling back into the same patterns with her. I told her that I couldn’t give her any commitments, which is honest, I don’t want to lead her on, but she continues to refer to me as her “boyfriend” and she as my “girlfriend”. So I figure I’ll take it one day at a time.
So technically, if she wanted to date somebody else, she’d be in the right since I didn’t want a commitment. Right? I already know that I couldn’t handle knowing that she’s fucking other guys, but this is the game I chose to play. So if any strange floats my way, I should get it, right?
Okay, check this out. I spent the weekend at her house. All we did was fuck. Like four times a day, we’d go at it. (We always had good chemistry in the sack). Sunday evening, we’re laying in bed. She’s asleep, I’m up. The phone rang and the machine came on… some dude’s voice on the other end. It’s a guy she used to mess with. (she has the annoying habit of keeping in touch with past lovers). I know she used to fuck this guy, and he’s calling and it sounds like business as usual, not a random “long time, no talk” phone call. So I’m thinking, why the fuck is he calling? Coincidence? Why keep in touch with someone you used to fuck unless you plan on fucking them again? This dude is also somebody that my girl would’ve “really liked to persue something with”… and here he is calling her. So I geuss she never stopped talking to him all along.
Now, hearing a message like that would normally make me very pissed. Pissed enough to fight about it, but for some reason, I just couldn’t get mad. I thought my jealousy would kick in, but it didn’t. I didn’t mention the call. I don’t even think she knows that I heard it. So I guess I know why she’s always coming home late from work…having drinks with somebody… grooming her next fuck? If I brought it up, it would only backfire. After all, I’m the one who didn’t want a commitment, right? That’s why I kept my mouth shut about it. Then again, if she heard a girl’s voice on my machine, she’d have something to say, no doubt.
I’m not as upset over it as I thought I would be, but yet it still gnaws at me a little. I should just forget it, right? Should I just go on living my life, and if another chick wants to throw it at me, just take it? I’m pretty sure I’m not gonna be able to handle an “open relationship” if I have to be reminded all the time that my girl is getting fucked by someone else. But that’s the bed I’ve made so I guess it’s time to lie in it, right? I might as well forget about it and see how this will unfold.
I wonder if my lack of jealousy is a sign of my waning love for this woman…