I'm 21 and have no physical ED.

Which is quite normal… but unfortunately I have mental ED.

This is really starting to get to me. I’ve been seeing this girl for about 2 months. Were really into each other and she’s a virgin. When we’re making out, clothes on, standing up I get a boner instantly. I instantly feel blood going to my little fella within seconds if I simply place my hands on her lower back and kiss her. She’s just super sexy. I get a boner from basically touching anything on her. Last night though, we’re both naked and the second I take out the condom and start to rip it open I feel that my fella is all soft. It pisses me off so much!! I have this horrible association between condoms and loss of boner. Yes this has happened before with different girls. Luckily she was just starting to go on her period so I was able to hide behind that fact but this still makes me mad. I see her and mentally wanna put it in and just get going but I have this forced association.

How is it that I can get a hard on just from kissing her with clothes on and putting my hands on her booty, but naked as I’m looking at her sexy sexy sexy figure and just wanting to ram her my fella won’t cooperate with me? He just goes all soft and lifeless on me. It’s somewhat comforting, at least, to know that It’s all mental and not physical even a little. I can overcome it someday, hopefully soon. When she gives me head I’m hard right as she’s going down to it (AS LONG AS I KNOW SEX ISN’T A POSSIBILITY OR APPROACHING) and by the time she gets going I’m a rock.

I’ve unfortunately been raised and surrounded by situations where I feel as though It’s expected for me to perform well with things. It’s this fact that makes me (especially about something such as sex which society has shaped to be a main source of masculinity and pressure) feel as though I NEED to do well. I know this is the stem of my problem and if I could just ignore it all I’d be fine but I can’t. I don’t even find myself thinking about anything negitive right before sex… I just notice my heart rate speeds up and then nothing happens down there. It’s this unconscious thing that, at least I feel as though, I can’t control. I’m not envisioning myself failing, i’m not dwelling on a past failure either… I just get nervous and shit goes bad. I was sitting there after kissing her and she’s playing with my junk and I’m all soft too! Even after when she’s got the tampon in because she bled a little (I guess it’s lucky I never got it all hard before because she was literally starting her period then). I’m like sitting there and a cute girl is playing with my thing and It’s all soft because that nervous anti-boner is stuck in me, haunting me! AHH!

Please help me guys… Please don’t just say to not worry about it, I’ve read that solution plenty of times. I know that’s the end result of want I want to do. I’m lucky that she went on her period so I was saved. This is really depressing me. I know at least one person out there has had this happen and can help me. I’m someone who really can employ mind over matter in situations, I swear… Just not this one or kind. I can choke in tough situations - I hate it - it’s a major problem. Makes me feel like I got no control over my dingaling. I do feel confident that with time I can overcome it with the right method and a caring girl, which she is, to help me out because we’re comfortable around each other but right now things seem bad. Makes me wanna snuff it, I’m 21.

when you are going for the condon you are solely thinking about the act of sex, what you are going to be physically doing and then you are thinking about what your dick has to be like for you to do that… like rock.. then it goes the opposite right?

well… you get the boner not because you want it to go hard, your not really thinking about your dick.. you get it from being turned on. BUT concentrating thought to your physical dick interrupts the hard on (plus, penis muscle makes a hard on when it is relaxed, if you stress about the situation stress = non relaxed muscle = flaccid). Try incorporating the condom in foreplay. give her your condoms, let her be in charge… and when she puts it on you don’t be thinking about the size or erection strength. i think that will help ALOT. think only about the sensation of touching her naked when you are leading up to sex. nothing else.

i hope this works.

I understand that you go soft before the condom even touches penis; so, what I am suggesting is no cure.

Invest the $ and try out a whole bunch of different styles and brands of condom while you are alone, (V or C if necessary). While you certainly have some serious mental ED stuff going on it is very common for guys to have wood difficulties due to condoms not fitting properly. Just suggesting that you head that off before it even gets a chance to re-mess with your head, "Crap! Now I can maintain wood until I get the rubber on but then the darn thing squeases the blood right out of me!"

While you are young to be playing around with Viagra and the like I would still consider using some to re-condition your self as far as condoms-erections goes. A stiff ;) dose of Viagra and you won’t get soft while playing around with a condom.

Long threads so start reading from the back end if you are looking for a source.
Closing down all the generic drug web sites/and finding open sites for generic drugs
Raw Tadalafil powder Cialis powder
Cialis or Viagra for recreational use.

Webslaves link site.

Yeah, if you are rock hard when she blows you, give her the condom and let her put it on. Shit, let her put it on with her mouth. When she puts it on if you start to go soft just tell her to blow you for a minute with the condom on. Then once you’re hard fuck her.

Other suggestions:
-practice edging
-fleshlight
-blowup doll
-just talk to her about it and see what she has to say. Chances are she’ll try to help you out with it and you will in turn become more comfortable with her and this anxiety will blow over.

Hope I helped.

Thanks a lot guys.

Czepa, it’s interesting you mention “plus, penis muscle makes a hard on when it is relaxed, if you stress about the situation stress = non relaxed muscle = flaccid)” because I had just read a bit on this before I posted on here. I made the same conclusion. I’m anxious and so my body naturally psychosomaticly tenses up and tense penis muscle doesn’t allow blood to stay in it; it squeezes it out. When I’m getting head there’s no tension. I’m just kicking it back letting a girl please me, and if I bust quickly that’s only a good thing for her… So then I don’t think about anything or stress and it all works out, no performance anxiety, no worries, and naturally I’m able to go as long as I want when I’m being blown. Even the times I’ve been able to get the condom on quickly enough to start fucking (and maintain a decent erectoin 90%?) I bust quickly from anxiety.

Iamaru, thanks for the links. I have tried condoms on my own and they work fine. I get a boner, roll it on and it sits on my dick nicely and does not squeeze blood out.

Spaghetti, If I mess it up again I’ll talk to her about it.. Can you explain edging to me? How would it help me?

Edging

I’ve unfortunately been raised and surrounded by situations where I feel as though It’s expected for me to perform well with things. It’s this fact that makes me (especially about something such as sex which society has shaped to be a main source of masculinity and pressure) feel as though I NEED to do well. I know this is the stem of my problem and if I could just ignore it all I’d be fine but I can’t. I don’t even find myself thinking about anything negitive right before sex.. I just notice my heart rate speeds up and then nothing happens down there. It’s this unconscious thing that, at least I feel as though, I can’t control. I’m not envisioning myself failing, I’m not dwelling on a past failure either.. I just get nervous and shit goes bad. I was sitting there after kissing her and she’s playing with my junk and I’m all soft too! Even after when she’s got the tampon in because she bled a little (I guess it’s lucky I never got it all hard before because she was literally starting her period then). I’m like sitting there and a cute girl is playing with my thing and It’s all soft because that nervous anti-boner is stuck in me, haunting me! AHH!

Hmm, tell society to go fuck itself and stay out of your heart, mind and body! Performance anxiety caused by a society that is really fucked up!

This has happened to me quiet a few times, actually last night it happen
, Same fucking situation , hard on, grab condom open it , it’s fucking soft , I feel your pain men . I suggest more foreplay , that helps get you relaxed ,no pe workout few hours before sex , that fucked me up, and kegels , that helped. But yes the more you think about it the less hard you’ll get , I for one haven’t have an exact remedy , sometimes it happens sometimes it doesn’t , let me know if you find a solution .

Also one thing I noticed , if you have something bothering you it mess you up, like hunger , having to go to the bathroom , one thing I know kinds helps ,
Drink water ( keep well hydrated ) an hour or 2 before sex , for Some reason it keeps the penis hard , like when you wake up with a hard ass boner because you got to take a piss . Kinda complicated but that’s one theory of mine .

I’ve had the same thing happen before, but I was a little bit older than you so I guess I wasn’t as anxious about it as you are. I was together with this girl for maybe 3 months or so, but we had known each other for almost 8 or 9 months before we started dating. Same as you, kissing, even holding hands would give me a woody but when it was time for action, my little buddy would go into a coma!

The first couple of times, she said “What’s wrong?”, which stressed the hell out of me! I made up some bullshit like I was tired, but luckily for me she knew I was actually nervous about how I would perform. Lets’ face it, everything is fine until the condom comes out, at that point basically it becomes “Lights! Camera! Action!”…the pressure is all on you now! At least that is how it feels. She would just start making out with me, and I would go down on her, she would go down on me and it almost became like an inside joke between us that my dick wasn’t ready for the pressure!

Anyway, it took probably 5 or 6 more failed attempts (not in the same night - over approximately 2 weeks) before it actually worked. Fortunately for me, she was patient and she understood that I just needed to feel more comfortable before anything more could happen. The fact that she made those frustrating moments fun as hell is what helped me through it. After that first successful time, it was all good after that.

I don’t know if that story helps in any way, but I guess what I am saying is that maybe you should try just telling her straight out that you think she is really hot and you are attracted to her, but for whatever reason your buddy just doesn’t feel like cooperating just yet. Tell her you want to keep trying, and if things aren’t working out, make the best of it. That will seriously reduce (if not eliminate) the awkwardness of the situation, and the continued foreplay after the failure to launch will increase both of your comfort levels. There may be other solutions to your situation, but I think this one will work for sure.

She already knows you are nervous, you may as well just say it out in the open so that awkward moment will no longer be a factor. Anybody who has been through this knows that it is nerves and pressure to perform that kills your erection, but it is the awkwardness of that moment that keeps your dick down the rest of the night!

wideload,

I found that to be quite inciteful. Thank you. We’re on summer break now and I havn’t seen her since school but luckily she lives 20 min away and I’m gonna be visiting her soon. I think I’ll try it this time and if I notice it failing I’m gonna be straight forward with her like you said. She’s really nice and understanding so I know she’ll be cool about it just like your girl was.

What you said seems like it should be the solution. And once it works out It’ll be smooth sailing =D

Very good story and one any young man should read and understand. It definitely applies to me. Thankyou

I glad that you are going to take that approach, I believe it is the best way through it. I am also glad my story is helpful - that is a piece of information that I have been sitting on for years with no way to pass it on!

For me it’s always been a question of good experiences.
I’m always the same with a new girl. Performance anxiety leading to unreliable wood. I’m 23 and it’s always been a mental issue with me too.
My remedy is this - Though I don’t advocate you do this at all, just sharing my experience - I used to take 25mg of kamagra (generic Viagra) with a new girl for the first time, sometimes the first couple of times.
Now, I know this sounds like a cheat for “mental ED”. However, as I mentioned it’s all about good experiences.

I know myself and that if I have good wood and can perform then I will always get a boner without any issues.
I use the kamagra to get that anxiety phase out of the way. Then by the 2nd or 3rd time we have sex, we’ve already had a good session thanks to the pill and I can replicate this every time without it, just by remembering.
Now, as I say, I don’t advocate this, but this is how I’ve been doing it with some of the girls I’ve had sex with because I was a little insecure about myself.

There is a drug-less/normal way I have been getting used too lately.

I have been learning from these encounters. Another way I did it recently (with a new girl), without the pill, is by really understanding what it is that turns me on - either about the girl or just sex in general - and focusing on that, this helps me relax and keep my mind off the “need to perform” feeling.

Unfortunately, probably due to watching too much porn, I don’t get turned on so much just by hearing a girl moan while I finger her or go down on her.
Something has to be happening with my penis (done by her or by me) for me to get wood easily. Usually I prefer my own hand as I know how to get myself hard and what feels good to me right away.
This is obviously quite awkward to do while pleasing someone else as I may not have a free hand. And, if she doesn’t know what I like (yet) then it could be pointless.
So I have certain things that get me going every time which I rely on.

For instance one of my things is taking charge and getting head. Telling them to do it no hands as I guide (not forcing) their head up and down to the rhythm I like.
For me, I like faster, sloppy kind of blow jobs, that’s just me. So with this in mind, if I get one it will keep me turned on for the session.

However, obviously, not all girls give blow jobs the first few times, some don’t like giving them frequently and some don’t give them at all. So this puts me out of luck with girls like this in getting turned on.

Fortunately, another thing I like is mutual masturbation. I’m talking lights on (albeit dimmed) and her staring at my cock, stroking it with me. Sometimes I’ll be fingering her at the same time but others we’ll both be staring at my cock. The odd compliment, gasp, etc. This works well for me when I’m feeling confident about my size because it gives me an ego boost, enough of one to give me continual, reliable wood. And works for me the same way the pill did as previously mentioned because now my anxiety and apprehension is reduced and I become more relaxed, allowing me to keep my little man up.

I guess my point is this:
Find what turns you on the most and DO IT.
You will get to a certain level of arousal at which point you feel like nothing can go wrong. Just keep the negative thoughts out and continue. If they come back, try again, with something that gets you going.
I can only tell you how I have begun to overcome my mental ED and try and draw some basic advice from that, I hope it helps.

As for the condom. As has been mentioned, it’s probably a good idea to try some different brands to find something comfortable to you.
Practice putting them on until you feel like you could do it without actively thinking about it.
Also, cut down the time you need to get them out and put them on.
I.e.Take it out of the wrapper as soon as you know you’re getting some, or as you move to the bedroom, however you do it.
Do it before you get hard and have it nearby, that way you can just pop it on like it’s second nature (because you have a comfortable brand and are a condom veteran :) ) when you have a raging hard on, and get to work.
Getting her to do it is also another way. But as long as she knows what she’s doing. If she messes it up you may find yourself in the same predicament.

Good luck!

Your problem is being too excited.

The autonomic nerve system consists of two separate systems, sympathetic and parasympathetic.
Each inhibits the other. During nervous excitement your sympathetic nerve system dominates. The problem is you need parasympathetic innervation to be able to get an erection!

Interesting to note that sympathetic innervation in required for ejaculation.

Ok so the main point is you stay cool and relaxed, maybe close your eyes and just let her do the preparations. Also to prevent ejaculation the same applies, try not to get too excited.

Maybe difficult to relax but now at least you know something that you can work on! (btw I get great relaxation when supplementing with magnesium, it’s also beneficially in many other ways. Maybe it’s worth to try it, it’s not expensive at all. I would recommend magnesium citrate in powder form. Cheap, highly absorbable and not bad to drink at all.)

Best of luck!

Why can’t he just take cialis or viagra, and get a couple good bouts under his belt?