Help discerning the true cause of my premature ejaculation.

Last night, I told my girlfriend I wanted some sex. She said that was fine, but she was exhausted and did not want any foreplay. I entered her, and unlike normally, I did not orgasm quickly, and I did not orgasm at all.

I had thought I was a premature ejaculator (PE) because of my anxiety. I also thought it may be related to performance anxiety, and a multitude of factors such as arousal. I am trying to determine which factor is probably the greatest contributor to my PE.

When I am very aroused, I usually orgasm very quickly, in less than 1 minute. I have a strong urge to orgasm, even though I know I don’t want to. I also want to do good for my partner, and I don’t know if that could cause PE or not, since I am so comfortable with her. I also thought that since I have symptoms congruent with anxiety (I used to take Paxil) and slight depression, I could have low serotonin and that would cause PE. So, I seem to have several things working against me.

But last night, I was not that aroused (it felt more like a central arousal around my genitals, not a full body arousal), and I had no intentions of performing well because I knew she would not be into it and that it was strictly for my pleasure.

So, with all that being said, how do I control these factors in the future? Normally, she has an orgasm before sex and I am very aroused. Additionally, I want to last a long time for us and that may cause performance anxiety. I think controlling my arousal will help to control my performance anxiety, as opposed to the other way around.

Does anyone have some literature for me to read? Any encouraging thoughts? I would like to be able to have sex nightly and maybe only reaching orgasm half of those nights.

P.S.
I have been doing a consistent kegel routine and it has seemed to improve the low-end of my erections (reaching much stronger erections with less arousal) but has done little to improve my erections at its peak (erections are not stronger at full arousal). The kegel routine is also not improving my PE but I started for the EQ and not the semen retention.

I can normally last as long as I need too. Unless they are looking for a serious marathon. But I have specific triggers where I know I will ejaculate quickly.
- If I’m uncomfortable in the situation.
- If I’m feeling like I don’t have any control over what’s going on.
- If I’m anxious about the sex. That could be about a variety of things, being nervous with someone I want to give a really great performance, the person is incredibly attractive to me, or I’m doing something out of my comfort zone, like sex in the shower when his wife is asleep in the next room.
- If I’m just really not interested and I’m doing it for them.

Maybe try sex under the same conditions a few times and figure out what it was about that particular time made you last longer. Then you can try to duplicate that in different scenarios.

The things you have said are right on with what I have been experiencing. When extremely aroused I ejaculate in under a minute because I feel an intense urge to do so even though I don’t actually want to. I have been practicing edging but it has done little to fix the problem. I am losing interest in sex all together because it makes it unenjoyable.

I haven’t experienced anything like you said where I have lasted quite a bit longer, the only think that ever works for me is alcohol. I am considering taking an antidepressant to see if that affects my pe at all. Did you have any success with that?

Check out Godofdeviltry’s thread about his story of premature ejaculation. He discusses using an anal breathing method taught by Dr. Lin. I’m not sure if it works but I plan on implementing this routine and seeing if I get any results.

Maybe in that experience with your girlfriend (no foreplay at all) you didn’t have time to become anxious? :) Try it again; see if it works again.

PE is quite a complex thing indeed. From what you report, I could see two possible causes: pain psychological anxiety and some prostate related cause.
The psychological thing is indeed hard to assess first. Usually any such issue resolves itself completely after some other methods have already helped to address the problem, other than that validation of success, there is no other purely psychological method to completely heal it. However, you just can try to stay more detached and calm during sex, which is easy to do using some breathing control and finding something to think about or do during sex - eye exercises for example. Some girls though will sense that you’re not lost in sex with her and won’t like it that way, so you’d have to keep a balance. Others though may entirely appreciate the “relentless macho banger” instead of,”salivating silly boy”. This is still a valuable thing to consider on the way of fully overcoming P.E.

Then the prostate stuff. When you get aroused, your balls and prostate start to work much more intensely. The prostate swells and feels pressure from all the muscles around it, which translates to urge to ejaculate, as prostate wants to get relieved of pressure.
There are two ways of improving its performance.
First, do you do any weightlifting? If not, I recommend you do some, focusing particularly on leg-heavy exercises such as deadlift and squats. Or kettlebell swings. These increase blood flow in the pelvic region and muscle contractions massage the prostate, improving its health and tone and getting it more used to outside pressure. There may be actual negative effect right after the exercises, as prostate has been rigorously massaged by the muscles, but it would relax overnight.

Second, most men put unnecessary pressure on their prostates all the time by clenching their buttocks. Try to relax them. It’s easiest to do lying on your stomach and first clench then relax the buttocks. After some practice you would be able to relax them in any position. Then just watch after yourself and every time you feel your buttocks are clenched even a bit, relax them. Also, don’t hold the urge if you want to go to toilet, always try to get a piss or dump asap.
Also, long reverse kegels sholud help with that. Work them up to 10-15 minutes on single rep ( you would need only one or two such reps a day anyway). Permanently spasmed muscles don’t really start to relax faster than that.

Also, on normal Kegels. You should have complete control over them. If your muscles start to stutter, try to clench harder to prevent it, if you can’t, release immediately, it’s no good when it goes out of control when you’re exercising it. Even if you’re doing fast kegels, don’t jerk, clench and release smoothly. Any jerking may reduce your control. After having a month or two experience with them, you seem to already have that, go to power kegels - pull your dick away like when stretching, preferrably straight up and kegel against that pull. These really improve PC/BC muscle strength and are much more efficient in improving control than non-loaded kegels.

One more, you can do some light reverse kegels during sex and foreplay to prevent your prostate from becoming oversensitive.

Good luck to you in overcoming your problem!