Has love driven me mad?
Ok, this may not seem like the typical sexual health problems seen here, but I do have a problem and I guess its of a sexual nature, so stick with me here…
On BBC Radio 2 this morning, in between their Sunday Love Songs, they were speaking about the three stages of love… Lust, Attraction and the Attachment. They gave all the scientific reasoning for each stage and said more info was avaliable on the BBC website, so I immediately looked it up as it had intrigued me. I had a strange feeling that I might find the answer to my recent problems of depression…
I have been suffering from depression for a while now and it has affected my revision for my uni exams this year. Although not finals they do add to my final grade and also say whether or not I can stay on this year. Unfortunately the people I have told about it seem quite unsympathetic, but with doctors and counsellors notes I should get through the exams, all be it with a lower grade than I want, but I should be able to stay on my course next year.
Anyway, I had not found the answer to my depression that is affecting so many areas of my life. I can’t concentrate on anything, I can’t remember anything I do revise, I can’t sleep properly, I was off sex for a while, now I really need it all the time but I have no release; my sex drive is like a roller coaster ride! One day I want it, the next I think its disgusting! I also get angry a lot of the time. I want revenge but its not directed at anyone, except maybe myself, or at least part of myself - I mean whenever my mind would wander into a bad daydream (and I daydream quite a lot now) I would be fighting someone, or they would have started on me and it would end up with me killing them or maiming them and then catching a glimpse of their face and its me! :-k Wow… I already feel better for writing that (before even posting this) as I haven’t even been able to tell my ex-girlfriend or counsellor about that, but I can tell you guys! That leads me onto another thing, it made me split up with my girlfriend of 2 and a half years, although I may have been looking for a way out anyway, and the depression made me feel bad enough to just give up and get out.
So thats how I’ve been feeling, but what did I find on the website? Did I find the answer that I had a strange feeling I’d find? Well possibly. In the six page saga, one page in particular drew my attention. “Does Love Drive You Mad?”
Does love make you sad?
Rather than making you happy, love could actually make you depressed. One symptom of OCD appears to be unusually low levels of the neuro-transmitter ‘serotonin’. Low levels of serotonin have been associated with anxiety and depression. Italian students who claimed they had recently fallen in love were found to have serotonin levels 40% lower than their peers.
This could be a possiblity for me I think… there was someone I started getting to know better who I find attractive and fun to be around, and… I guess I like her a lot more than any other female friends I have :-k . But I wouldn’t have split up with my gf for someone else… although as I said I was fed up with that relationship, so maybe I would :confused: And besides, you can’t fall in love that quickly can you? I thought I’d have to be in a relationship with a person before I could actually love them?
Basically I just wrote this to rant away some of my stresses as I just need to get it off my chest to people I can tell the whole story to because you won’t judge me like “real world” friends might, and because there are some things even “real world” friends want to keep hidden from each other. But if anyone wants to chime in with what I should do after my exams are out the way, or wants any more details so they can tell me what to do… I’ve just become tired, drained both mentally and physically with the stress I’ve been under all year with coursework and other crap meaning I’ve not had ANY time for myself this year (that’s what makes me think its not love-sickness because the stress, but not necessarily depression, has been all year, not just since I’ve gotten to know her). So I need decisions made for me. I guess I’d like to know if I should persue anything with this girl? I know she’s single, we speak about personal stuff to each other, and although my vision has been clouded somewhat of late, I think she at least kinda likes me… but then again this could lead to further depression, not just if I were to get rejected I feel.
I know I need to concentrate on myself for a while, but can’t do that until after the exams either, and that just pisses me off because I can’t revise properly until I’m sorting upstairs, but I can’t sort myself out until the exams are out of the way, so I just won’t do all that well :( So I won’t be persuing any relationships until I’m sorted, but should I bother anyway after I have sorted myself out? Another thing thats going to get in my way of “Me Time” will be the ex. She’s doing exams too (we’re at uni together) and she wants to talk about us after the exams when she thinks I’ll have time to think properly. But I already know I’m going to tell her a big fat “NO” but it’ll still interfere with my mind for a while…
Oh well, at least I know someone else I can have some fun with and with no commitment straight after the exams! But it’s not the same gal I mentioned above… oh what to do…? :-k
Sorry about the long post, but I needed to get it out of me, even if no one reads it! :p
Start: 22 Mar 04: 6.5" BPEL x 4.6" EG & 6" head. As at: 1 Jan 05: 7.5" BPEL x 4.8-4.9" EG & 6.3" head.
Re-re-start!: 6 Feb 17: 6.9" BPEL x 4.9" EG & 5.5" head. As of: 23 Feb 17: 7.0" BPEL x 5.0" EG & 6.0" head.
Ideal: ASAP: 8+" BPEL x 5.5+" EG & 6.5+" head But will continue if the going is good!!